Sonis Goes Emo and Goes to Sunday School: Double the Sanic, Double the Pain

So it's come to this…

It is time to delve into the bizarre, weird, and hilarious world of bad Sonic fanfiction. I will doing these short two in preparation for the major Sanic fanfiction I plan to tackle. For now, the first fanfiction here is bluntly titled "Sonic Goes Emo." Truly only great things are to be expected from it.

Well…

Here goes nothing.

Sonic Goes Emo

By

Uutama

>One day Sonic went to the movie store

He wanted to return his copy of Fast Five so he could rent another copy of Fast Five

>He saw a movie called "Blood Hell" and rented it. 

It was a compilation of the "Best-of" Ron Wesley moments

>After he put it in the DVD player he watched maybe 5 minutes then turned it off. 

That's how long I made it into A Million Ways to Die in the West before I realized what a big mistake I had made.

>He went to the kitchen and, yes, you guessed it, cut himself. 

Judging from the reactions to the newer Sonic games, I'm not at all surprised.

>The movie influenced him to do this. 

Did the movie have Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne on the soundtrack?

>He called Knuckles and Tails, then asked if they wanted to cut with him. 

All Tails was able to say in response to Sonic was

ENERBEAM!!

>They said that they arent cutting and they hung up. Sonic screemed at the top off his lungs! 

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MYYYYY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

>"Oh fucking shit! Oh tourettes!"

Oh, Tourettes, touch me right there!

> Blood gushed out as sonic laughed and laughed. 

This is totally out of character, this is something Shadow the Edge-hog would do

>Two minutes later he dropped on the floor, with no one there to help. 

He died as he had lived, passed out on the floor of his own home.

>The next day tails came in and found him dead on the kitchen floor. 

At that point Sonic was a shriveled up pile of blue on the floor

>Tails desided to sue the people who made the movie and wished for them to burn in hell. 

>At the day in court Kuckles was Tails' lauyer.

It went as well as you would expect having an echidna as your lawyer

> They sued and got all the money gained from that movie.

THE END

That was short, terrible, and I will never look at it again. Much like my experience with Sanic Bang

It honestly wasn't as edgy as I expected, but it did contain a pure amount of stupid that should only experienced in minor doses before you become contaminated with it.

Time for a commercial break. Here is a sneak preview of John Water's new film, Mondo Sonico 

Well that was weird, Anyways the next fanfiction involves Jesus and Sonic. 

                                           "THERE'S THIS RADICAL DUDE NAMED JESUS"

*sighs*

Let's do this shit.

Sunday School

By
Zion and Vixen

>Amy wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school.

She repeatedly wrote Deicide lyrics in her notebook during lecture

>Often she slept most the way through.

and undressed the teacher with her eyes the rest of the way through

>One day the teacher called on her to answer a question.

"Why has God learned to hate his own creation?"

>"Who created the Universe?"

We all know it was Danny Devito emerging from the Universal Couch

                                                      "Please enjoy this image as much as I did."


>She asked when Amy didn't stir from her slumber Sonic a hedgehog who was sat behind her took a pin >and jabbed her in the rear. 

Sonic, while doing so, was doing his best impression of that guy on the bus who is clearly on meth.

>"God Almighty" she shouted 

OMG GO TO HELL SONIC YOU FILTHY WHORE

>"Well done" the teacher said as Amy fell back off to sleep.

Meaning that she fell backwards 

>A while later the teacher called upon Amy for another question.

"Okay class, who is dead and who has killed him?"

> "Who is our lord and savior"

Azu-Nyan?

>when Amy didn't respond from her slumber Sonic jabbed her again.

Sonic is really trying to make himself seem like the person you would cross the street to get away from when you see him walking towards you on a sidewalk.

> "Jesus Christ" She cried.

Jeff Mangum burst into the class room with an acoustic guitar singing "I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOUUUU. YEEEEES I DOOOOOOOOO"

>Later on the teacher asked Amy a third question.

Now class, WHO lights up Debby Boone's life?

>"What did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to their twenty-third child" 

You should've pull out faster you dumb oaf

>Once again she didn't wake from her slumber so Sonic jabbed her again.

That's illegal you know

>This time she shouted

THAT'S IT SONIC. YOU. ME. OUTSIDE!

>"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'll break it in half."

Even after reading a fanfiction that involved Jason Voorhees plowing Freddy Krueger, this still makes me feel uncomfortable

>The Teacher Fainted

Woo! The teacher's death! Let's take her wallet!

Now these weren't the worst thing's I've ever read (That's the fanfic coming up next). Just thinking about the fact that there is a subgenre of Christian themed Sonic fanfiction proves that we are a weird fucking species.

Be stiff my babies, the next one will be a rough one.

My Little Pony: Liberty: Ron Paul Will Make Equestria Real

Less than a week ago, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul declared his candidacy for the 2016 Republican Primaries. Already he has received criticism from Libertarians, from the lowliest youtuber commenter to his own father, for abandoning his ideals and flip flopping on issues. However, there is one thing libertarians need not to worry about when it comes to abandoning core values: their My Little Pony fanfiction. 

Now, many of you may say, that a libertarian My Little Pony fanfiction may just be the most absolute fedorable thing imaginable… and you would be absolutely correct. But, how the hell anyone could get the idea that a show, created by a feminist and the setting being a semi-socialist utopia would support a philosophy like libertarianism, is why I find to be the most ridiculous parts of this fanfiction.

Well, ONE of the most ridiculous parts…

My Little Pony: Liberty

by
TheRealBwic

>Twilight Sparkle was out walking in Ponyville when she saw Applejack looking sad.

Because Applebloom was employed as foal-labor in Rarity's Boutique under Equestria's New Liberty Laws

>"What's the matter?" said Twilight Sparkle, concerned about her friend.

Rand Paul ran out of tenth interview this week! When will the lamestream media him speak!

>"I wanted to get a summer job but nobody in Ponyville is hiring." said Applejack. 

Well it's not like you have a massive farm or anything to manage. But then again Applejack is the silliest pony

>"They all say they can't afford to hire anyone new because of the new health care law."

I didn't realize Papa Johns had such a tight grip on the Equestrian economy. But then again maybe I'm biased against Papa Johns because this is my reaction whenever I taste it

                                                          I also become Bryan Cranston

>"New health care law?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

Yeah! It's like ten years old and Mitt Romney implemented it in Massachusetts, but why let facts get in the way!

>"Yeah." said Applejack. "Now everypony has to buy health insurance for there employees even though >they can't afford it.

Yeah because Rarity needs to buy moar tiaras. She can't afford none that healthcare shit

>It's killing all the jobs.

All the jobs in pre-capitalist, steampunk, agrarian, socialist whatever the writers need this week, economy of Equestria

>And now taxes went through the roof because of it.

So if taxes exists in Equestria. Does that mean the IRS exists in Equestria. And if the IRS exists, does that imply that there is a massive bureaucracy in Equestria and needs to be supported despite it not having the necessary infrastructure to support it and carry out large scale tax hike let alone support a nation wide healthcare support. And besides if there was such a massive tax hike on the poor in an agrarian economy that Equestria has wouldn't the populace normally revolt? But of course I'm putting too much thought into this fanfic than the author did

>Granny Smith says if we don't get some tax relief we may even have to sell Sweet Apple Acres all >because of Amabocare."

Oh sweet Jesus fuckin Christmas does Amabocare happen to hail from Aynek according to the author? Maybe because Nilbog was too subtle

>"Amabocare?" asked Twilight Sparkle. "You mean like Princess Celestia's mysterious new adviser, >Amabo who showed up this week?"

Because why would an all wise pony like Celestia be hesitant on selecting an advisor she knows nothing about?

>"Yes." said Appliejack. "It was all his idea."

>"This is horrible." said Twilight Sparkle. "I need to do something about it."

I'm going to write an extremely passive aggressive letter to Celestia about it!

>"Yes." said Applejack. "Its bad enough that they say Lord Tirek escaped from Tartarus." Lord Tirek had >disappeared from Tartarus a week before somehow evading Cerberus.

Amabocare is so bad it has caused all literal hell to break lose. I wonder what's Fox's take on this.

                                                                   "Oh. Nevermind…"

>That night, as they had dinner together Twilight Sparkle told Rainbow Dash all about it. They were >eating a cruelty free meal of vegan soysage while talking about the situation.

No cruelty except for the hundreds of soybeans that were slaughtered to make the soysage

>"Applejack told me there's this new law called Amabocare that makes everypony buy health insurance >for there employees even though they can't afford it." said Twilight Sparkle. "It's killing all the jobs and >also it's causing taxes to go through the roof. Applejack even said that because of all those Amabocare >taxes there afraid they might have to sell Sweet Apple Acres."

I, of course, Twilight Sparkle, the nerdy fact checking pony is not doing any research and just letting Applejack fill me on the information

>"That is not cool." said Rainbow Dash before having another bite of vegan soysage.

Everytime I read "soysage" I'm hearing Curly Howard say it in my head.

>"That's right." said Twilight Sparkle right before finishing off her vegan soysage. "I need to do >something about it."

Maybe you should've wrote that strongly worded letter INSTEAD of hanging out with BlueFast here.


>That night as Rainbow Dash was going to bed she asked Twilight Sparkle if she was coming along. >"Will you be coming to bed with me, darling?" asked Rainbow Dash.

Did you accidentally give Rainbow Dash, Rarity's personality? Or is this supposed to be a Gen 3 fanfic?

>"I can't go to bed yet, my love." said Twilight Sparkle.

Oh. Oh… OH! It's this kind of fanfiction. Of course it is. Who doesn't want a little slash in their Libertarian diatribe?

> "I need to read some books about this so I can talk to Princess Celestia about it tomorrow."

I need to read the entirety of the Fountainhead before tomorrow morning and John Galt hasn't even started his speech!

>"Boy, first Lord Tirek escapes and now all this. At least give me a kiss good night then." said Rainbow >Dash.Twilight Sparkle gave Rainbow Dash a passionate kiss good night.

>"Good luck, sweetheart." said Rainbow Dash.

Okay this has to be Gen 3 Rainbow Dash because I can't imagine Rainbow Dash saying "sweetheart"

>That night Twilight Sparkle read every book she could find in Golden Oak Library about he importance >of freedom and personal responsibility and how low taxes help create more jobs and opportunities.

Twilight went to the top shelf and found and read some works by Locke and Voltaire before finding some Ayn Rand book being used as a paperweight

>The next day she went from Ponyville to Canterlot to speak to Princess Celestia.

>"I've come to speak with you." said Twilight Sparkle.

Ron Paul wont stop waving his arms around and shouting "IT'S HAPPENING!" at the top of his lungs. We're really concerned about him

>"Oh, what about?" said Princess Celestia.

>"I'm very concerned about Amabocare." said Twilight Sparkle.

I looked up Amabocare on google and all I can find is links to "Obamacare" WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM US CELESTIA!?

>"Amabocare?" asked Princess Celestia. "Amabo says it will be wonderful and give everypony the >health care they need.""My friend Applejack told me that she can't find a job because of it. "

But she has a job. A full time job infact. She is A FARMER AFTERALL. And if they have the supposed infrastructure to support an Internal Revenue Service there is probably agricultural subsidies as well! Once again I should calm down a bit since I'm starting to put more thought into this than the author did


>Everypony stopped hiring because they can't afford to buy the health insurance for there employees."

EVERY. SINGLE. JOB. GONE.

THANKS AMABO

>Just then Amabo showed up and said that the law was good.

He then said "A spectre is haunting Equestria- the spectre of msinummoc"

>"Amabocare is a good law, you see. This way everypony will get the health care they need."

I don't know. There's not enough commas in that sentence for me to truly believe that this is supposed to be the pony equivalent of Obama.

>"But how will they get health care if they can't get jobs?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

>"Its easy." said Amabo. "The law says you have to get health insurance or else you'll go to jail so >everypony will just buy it."

There is also apparently a prison system in Equestria. I don't even know where to start with that.

>"But it's wrong to force everypony to buy things from a private compony." said Twilight Sparkle. "And >besides, how will they afford it without jobs?""Its easy." said Amabo. "We'll give the people without jobs >government handouts."

Or we could you know put ponies to work building infrastructure that Equestria is LACKING to support a massive government like this. And yes I did notice the writer put "people instead of ponies. 

>"But what about the dignity of work?" said Twilight Sparkle. "Everypony will just be dependent on >government and how are we going to pay for it?"

Just borrow money from the Celestial Empire like when Equestria had to pay the bills the last time!

>"Easy." said Amabo. "We have new taxes to soak the rich and spread the wealth around."

Spread the wealth around like a pile of savory butter all over a fat guys body.

>"But those taxes just punish hard work." said Twilight Sparkle."Granny Smith isn't rich but she'll have to >sell Sweet Apple Acres because of your new law. 

and they had to go out on the ol Californee in search of the Do Re Mi

>And I read in a book that low taxes help create more jobs so everypony will benefit from a larger pie >and they'll be able to get there own health care by working hard. 

That book was known as the "Big Book of Bullshit" by Mitt Romney

>Government can't spend its way to happiness you need to encourage everypony to work hard and >make things great. High taxes will just hurt everypony. 

and it's coauthored by Ronald Reagan.

                                                               "Reaganomics in action"

>With lower taxes there will be more jobs and more freedom. We need to choose liberty."

Isn't this Gary Johnson's new campaign slogan? Something something LIBERTY BITCHES

>"This law isn't sounding so good anymore." said Princess Celestia.

I'm easily convinced like this!

>"Yes." said Princess Luna who was also there. "We're going to repeal Amabocare. Amabo, your fired."

and apparently Donald Trump replaced Princess Luna

>"That's right." said Princess Celestia. "We don't need you or your laws. We need more freedom and >lower taxes."

Because nothing says freedom like divine kingship! But hey you get lower taxes which we all know, lower taxes=        MAXIMUM               FREEDOM

>"Yes, Equestria doesn't need you." added Princess Luna. "We don't need higher taxes or bigger >government."

We're going to let our practically non-existent infrastructure collapse!

>"Fine." said Amabo. "If I can't rule Equestria by making you dependent on me then I'll rule you fools… >BY FORCE!"

This is fanfiction is getting more kinkier by the moment and we all know Libertarians are the kinkiest of all political ideologies.

                                                         "Just bursting with lust and desire"

>And with that there was a bunch of smoke and then Amabo revealed his true form. He was really Lord >Tirek using magic to disguise himself.

To be honest I thought he would transform into a lizard pony, judging from the ideology being pushed forward here

>"Now Equestria will be mine." Tirek said. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

>"Not so fast!" said a voice from behind.

It WAS…………………………


BLUE FAST

>Twilight Sparkle looked behind her and saw her friends. There was Applejack. And Rarity. Pinkie Pie >was there. So was Fluttershy. And her girlfriend Rainbow Dash was there too.

Oh right there's that ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL part of the story that we COULD NOT forget.

>"You'll never defeat me." said Tirek.

>"We can defeat you with the power of friendship."


>said Rainbow Dash. With that the ponies combined Applejack's power of honesty, Fluttershy's power of >kindness, Pinkie Pie's power of laughter, Rarity's power of generosity, Rainbow Dash's power of loyalty, >and Twilight Sparkle's power of magic and worked together and stopped Lord Tirek and he was taken >back to Tartarus.

All things Ron Paul could've used if he wanted the Great RNC Delegate Swindle! of 2012 to succeed

>That day is now known in Equestria as Liberty Day, for it was on that day that not only was Lord Tirek >defeated once more but everypony learned just how precious liberty is.


and that very day, Equestria recognized bitcoin as its officially currency, Mountain Dew as it's national drink, and complaining about women on the internet as its national pass time.

THE END


ooooooooooooooh boy

As you can tell I'm not the biggest fan of libertarian ideology, but I think we can all come together on one issue:that this fanfiction blows complete ass. That's all, I'm going to bed.