Sonis Goes Emo and Goes to Sunday School: Double the Sanic, Double the Pain

So it's come to this…

It is time to delve into the bizarre, weird, and hilarious world of bad Sonic fanfiction. I will doing these short two in preparation for the major Sanic fanfiction I plan to tackle. For now, the first fanfiction here is bluntly titled "Sonic Goes Emo." Truly only great things are to be expected from it.

Well…

Here goes nothing.

Sonic Goes Emo

By

Uutama

>One day Sonic went to the movie store

He wanted to return his copy of Fast Five so he could rent another copy of Fast Five

>He saw a movie called "Blood Hell" and rented it. 

It was a compilation of the "Best-of" Ron Wesley moments

>After he put it in the DVD player he watched maybe 5 minutes then turned it off. 

That's how long I made it into A Million Ways to Die in the West before I realized what a big mistake I had made.

>He went to the kitchen and, yes, you guessed it, cut himself. 

Judging from the reactions to the newer Sonic games, I'm not at all surprised.

>The movie influenced him to do this. 

Did the movie have Judas Priest and Ozzy Osbourne on the soundtrack?

>He called Knuckles and Tails, then asked if they wanted to cut with him. 

All Tails was able to say in response to Sonic was

ENERBEAM!!

>They said that they arent cutting and they hung up. Sonic screemed at the top off his lungs! 

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWLING IN MYYYYY SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN

>"Oh fucking shit! Oh tourettes!"

Oh, Tourettes, touch me right there!

> Blood gushed out as sonic laughed and laughed. 

This is totally out of character, this is something Shadow the Edge-hog would do

>Two minutes later he dropped on the floor, with no one there to help. 

He died as he had lived, passed out on the floor of his own home.

>The next day tails came in and found him dead on the kitchen floor. 

At that point Sonic was a shriveled up pile of blue on the floor

>Tails desided to sue the people who made the movie and wished for them to burn in hell. 

>At the day in court Kuckles was Tails' lauyer.

It went as well as you would expect having an echidna as your lawyer

> They sued and got all the money gained from that movie.

THE END

That was short, terrible, and I will never look at it again. Much like my experience with Sanic Bang

It honestly wasn't as edgy as I expected, but it did contain a pure amount of stupid that should only experienced in minor doses before you become contaminated with it.

Time for a commercial break. Here is a sneak preview of John Water's new film, Mondo Sonico 

Well that was weird, Anyways the next fanfiction involves Jesus and Sonic. 

                                           "THERE'S THIS RADICAL DUDE NAMED JESUS"

*sighs*

Let's do this shit.

Sunday School

By
Zion and Vixen

>Amy wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school.

She repeatedly wrote Deicide lyrics in her notebook during lecture

>Often she slept most the way through.

and undressed the teacher with her eyes the rest of the way through

>One day the teacher called on her to answer a question.

"Why has God learned to hate his own creation?"

>"Who created the Universe?"

We all know it was Danny Devito emerging from the Universal Couch

                                                      "Please enjoy this image as much as I did."


>She asked when Amy didn't stir from her slumber Sonic a hedgehog who was sat behind her took a pin >and jabbed her in the rear. 

Sonic, while doing so, was doing his best impression of that guy on the bus who is clearly on meth.

>"God Almighty" she shouted 

OMG GO TO HELL SONIC YOU FILTHY WHORE

>"Well done" the teacher said as Amy fell back off to sleep.

Meaning that she fell backwards 

>A while later the teacher called upon Amy for another question.

"Okay class, who is dead and who has killed him?"

> "Who is our lord and savior"

Azu-Nyan?

>when Amy didn't respond from her slumber Sonic jabbed her again.

Sonic is really trying to make himself seem like the person you would cross the street to get away from when you see him walking towards you on a sidewalk.

> "Jesus Christ" She cried.

Jeff Mangum burst into the class room with an acoustic guitar singing "I LOOOOOVE YOOOOOOOOUUUU. YEEEEES I DOOOOOOOOO"

>Later on the teacher asked Amy a third question.

Now class, WHO lights up Debby Boone's life?

>"What did Eve say to Adam after she gave birth to their twenty-third child" 

You should've pull out faster you dumb oaf

>Once again she didn't wake from her slumber so Sonic jabbed her again.

That's illegal you know

>This time she shouted

THAT'S IT SONIC. YOU. ME. OUTSIDE!

>"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time I'll break it in half."

Even after reading a fanfiction that involved Jason Voorhees plowing Freddy Krueger, this still makes me feel uncomfortable

>The Teacher Fainted

Woo! The teacher's death! Let's take her wallet!

Now these weren't the worst thing's I've ever read (That's the fanfic coming up next). Just thinking about the fact that there is a subgenre of Christian themed Sonic fanfiction proves that we are a weird fucking species.

Be stiff my babies, the next one will be a rough one.

My Little Pony: Liberty: Ron Paul Will Make Equestria Real

Less than a week ago, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul declared his candidacy for the 2016 Republican Primaries. Already he has received criticism from Libertarians, from the lowliest youtuber commenter to his own father, for abandoning his ideals and flip flopping on issues. However, there is one thing libertarians need not to worry about when it comes to abandoning core values: their My Little Pony fanfiction. 

Now, many of you may say, that a libertarian My Little Pony fanfiction may just be the most absolute fedorable thing imaginable… and you would be absolutely correct. But, how the hell anyone could get the idea that a show, created by a feminist and the setting being a semi-socialist utopia would support a philosophy like libertarianism, is why I find to be the most ridiculous parts of this fanfiction.

Well, ONE of the most ridiculous parts…

My Little Pony: Liberty

by
TheRealBwic

>Twilight Sparkle was out walking in Ponyville when she saw Applejack looking sad.

Because Applebloom was employed as foal-labor in Rarity's Boutique under Equestria's New Liberty Laws

>"What's the matter?" said Twilight Sparkle, concerned about her friend.

Rand Paul ran out of tenth interview this week! When will the lamestream media him speak!

>"I wanted to get a summer job but nobody in Ponyville is hiring." said Applejack. 

Well it's not like you have a massive farm or anything to manage. But then again Applejack is the silliest pony

>"They all say they can't afford to hire anyone new because of the new health care law."

I didn't realize Papa Johns had such a tight grip on the Equestrian economy. But then again maybe I'm biased against Papa Johns because this is my reaction whenever I taste it

                                                          I also become Bryan Cranston

>"New health care law?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

Yeah! It's like ten years old and Mitt Romney implemented it in Massachusetts, but why let facts get in the way!

>"Yeah." said Applejack. "Now everypony has to buy health insurance for there employees even though >they can't afford it.

Yeah because Rarity needs to buy moar tiaras. She can't afford none that healthcare shit

>It's killing all the jobs.

All the jobs in pre-capitalist, steampunk, agrarian, socialist whatever the writers need this week, economy of Equestria

>And now taxes went through the roof because of it.

So if taxes exists in Equestria. Does that mean the IRS exists in Equestria. And if the IRS exists, does that imply that there is a massive bureaucracy in Equestria and needs to be supported despite it not having the necessary infrastructure to support it and carry out large scale tax hike let alone support a nation wide healthcare support. And besides if there was such a massive tax hike on the poor in an agrarian economy that Equestria has wouldn't the populace normally revolt? But of course I'm putting too much thought into this fanfic than the author did

>Granny Smith says if we don't get some tax relief we may even have to sell Sweet Apple Acres all >because of Amabocare."

Oh sweet Jesus fuckin Christmas does Amabocare happen to hail from Aynek according to the author? Maybe because Nilbog was too subtle

>"Amabocare?" asked Twilight Sparkle. "You mean like Princess Celestia's mysterious new adviser, >Amabo who showed up this week?"

Because why would an all wise pony like Celestia be hesitant on selecting an advisor she knows nothing about?

>"Yes." said Appliejack. "It was all his idea."

>"This is horrible." said Twilight Sparkle. "I need to do something about it."

I'm going to write an extremely passive aggressive letter to Celestia about it!

>"Yes." said Applejack. "Its bad enough that they say Lord Tirek escaped from Tartarus." Lord Tirek had >disappeared from Tartarus a week before somehow evading Cerberus.

Amabocare is so bad it has caused all literal hell to break lose. I wonder what's Fox's take on this.

                                                                   "Oh. Nevermind…"

>That night, as they had dinner together Twilight Sparkle told Rainbow Dash all about it. They were >eating a cruelty free meal of vegan soysage while talking about the situation.

No cruelty except for the hundreds of soybeans that were slaughtered to make the soysage

>"Applejack told me there's this new law called Amabocare that makes everypony buy health insurance >for there employees even though they can't afford it." said Twilight Sparkle. "It's killing all the jobs and >also it's causing taxes to go through the roof. Applejack even said that because of all those Amabocare >taxes there afraid they might have to sell Sweet Apple Acres."

I, of course, Twilight Sparkle, the nerdy fact checking pony is not doing any research and just letting Applejack fill me on the information

>"That is not cool." said Rainbow Dash before having another bite of vegan soysage.

Everytime I read "soysage" I'm hearing Curly Howard say it in my head.

>"That's right." said Twilight Sparkle right before finishing off her vegan soysage. "I need to do >something about it."

Maybe you should've wrote that strongly worded letter INSTEAD of hanging out with BlueFast here.


>That night as Rainbow Dash was going to bed she asked Twilight Sparkle if she was coming along. >"Will you be coming to bed with me, darling?" asked Rainbow Dash.

Did you accidentally give Rainbow Dash, Rarity's personality? Or is this supposed to be a Gen 3 fanfic?

>"I can't go to bed yet, my love." said Twilight Sparkle.

Oh. Oh… OH! It's this kind of fanfiction. Of course it is. Who doesn't want a little slash in their Libertarian diatribe?

> "I need to read some books about this so I can talk to Princess Celestia about it tomorrow."

I need to read the entirety of the Fountainhead before tomorrow morning and John Galt hasn't even started his speech!

>"Boy, first Lord Tirek escapes and now all this. At least give me a kiss good night then." said Rainbow >Dash.Twilight Sparkle gave Rainbow Dash a passionate kiss good night.

>"Good luck, sweetheart." said Rainbow Dash.

Okay this has to be Gen 3 Rainbow Dash because I can't imagine Rainbow Dash saying "sweetheart"

>That night Twilight Sparkle read every book she could find in Golden Oak Library about he importance >of freedom and personal responsibility and how low taxes help create more jobs and opportunities.

Twilight went to the top shelf and found and read some works by Locke and Voltaire before finding some Ayn Rand book being used as a paperweight

>The next day she went from Ponyville to Canterlot to speak to Princess Celestia.

>"I've come to speak with you." said Twilight Sparkle.

Ron Paul wont stop waving his arms around and shouting "IT'S HAPPENING!" at the top of his lungs. We're really concerned about him

>"Oh, what about?" said Princess Celestia.

>"I'm very concerned about Amabocare." said Twilight Sparkle.

I looked up Amabocare on google and all I can find is links to "Obamacare" WHAT ARE YOU HIDING FROM US CELESTIA!?

>"Amabocare?" asked Princess Celestia. "Amabo says it will be wonderful and give everypony the >health care they need.""My friend Applejack told me that she can't find a job because of it. "

But she has a job. A full time job infact. She is A FARMER AFTERALL. And if they have the supposed infrastructure to support an Internal Revenue Service there is probably agricultural subsidies as well! Once again I should calm down a bit since I'm starting to put more thought into this than the author did


>Everypony stopped hiring because they can't afford to buy the health insurance for there employees."

EVERY. SINGLE. JOB. GONE.

THANKS AMABO

>Just then Amabo showed up and said that the law was good.

He then said "A spectre is haunting Equestria- the spectre of msinummoc"

>"Amabocare is a good law, you see. This way everypony will get the health care they need."

I don't know. There's not enough commas in that sentence for me to truly believe that this is supposed to be the pony equivalent of Obama.

>"But how will they get health care if they can't get jobs?" asked Twilight Sparkle.

>"Its easy." said Amabo. "The law says you have to get health insurance or else you'll go to jail so >everypony will just buy it."

There is also apparently a prison system in Equestria. I don't even know where to start with that.

>"But it's wrong to force everypony to buy things from a private compony." said Twilight Sparkle. "And >besides, how will they afford it without jobs?""Its easy." said Amabo. "We'll give the people without jobs >government handouts."

Or we could you know put ponies to work building infrastructure that Equestria is LACKING to support a massive government like this. And yes I did notice the writer put "people instead of ponies. 

>"But what about the dignity of work?" said Twilight Sparkle. "Everypony will just be dependent on >government and how are we going to pay for it?"

Just borrow money from the Celestial Empire like when Equestria had to pay the bills the last time!

>"Easy." said Amabo. "We have new taxes to soak the rich and spread the wealth around."

Spread the wealth around like a pile of savory butter all over a fat guys body.

>"But those taxes just punish hard work." said Twilight Sparkle."Granny Smith isn't rich but she'll have to >sell Sweet Apple Acres because of your new law. 

and they had to go out on the ol Californee in search of the Do Re Mi

>And I read in a book that low taxes help create more jobs so everypony will benefit from a larger pie >and they'll be able to get there own health care by working hard. 

That book was known as the "Big Book of Bullshit" by Mitt Romney

>Government can't spend its way to happiness you need to encourage everypony to work hard and >make things great. High taxes will just hurt everypony. 

and it's coauthored by Ronald Reagan.

                                                               "Reaganomics in action"

>With lower taxes there will be more jobs and more freedom. We need to choose liberty."

Isn't this Gary Johnson's new campaign slogan? Something something LIBERTY BITCHES

>"This law isn't sounding so good anymore." said Princess Celestia.

I'm easily convinced like this!

>"Yes." said Princess Luna who was also there. "We're going to repeal Amabocare. Amabo, your fired."

and apparently Donald Trump replaced Princess Luna

>"That's right." said Princess Celestia. "We don't need you or your laws. We need more freedom and >lower taxes."

Because nothing says freedom like divine kingship! But hey you get lower taxes which we all know, lower taxes=        MAXIMUM               FREEDOM

>"Yes, Equestria doesn't need you." added Princess Luna. "We don't need higher taxes or bigger >government."

We're going to let our practically non-existent infrastructure collapse!

>"Fine." said Amabo. "If I can't rule Equestria by making you dependent on me then I'll rule you fools… >BY FORCE!"

This is fanfiction is getting more kinkier by the moment and we all know Libertarians are the kinkiest of all political ideologies.

                                                         "Just bursting with lust and desire"

>And with that there was a bunch of smoke and then Amabo revealed his true form. He was really Lord >Tirek using magic to disguise himself.

To be honest I thought he would transform into a lizard pony, judging from the ideology being pushed forward here

>"Now Equestria will be mine." Tirek said. "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

>"Not so fast!" said a voice from behind.

It WAS…………………………


BLUE FAST

>Twilight Sparkle looked behind her and saw her friends. There was Applejack. And Rarity. Pinkie Pie >was there. So was Fluttershy. And her girlfriend Rainbow Dash was there too.

Oh right there's that ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL part of the story that we COULD NOT forget.

>"You'll never defeat me." said Tirek.

>"We can defeat you with the power of friendship."


>said Rainbow Dash. With that the ponies combined Applejack's power of honesty, Fluttershy's power of >kindness, Pinkie Pie's power of laughter, Rarity's power of generosity, Rainbow Dash's power of loyalty, >and Twilight Sparkle's power of magic and worked together and stopped Lord Tirek and he was taken >back to Tartarus.

All things Ron Paul could've used if he wanted the Great RNC Delegate Swindle! of 2012 to succeed

>That day is now known in Equestria as Liberty Day, for it was on that day that not only was Lord Tirek >defeated once more but everypony learned just how precious liberty is.


and that very day, Equestria recognized bitcoin as its officially currency, Mountain Dew as it's national drink, and complaining about women on the internet as its national pass time.

THE END


ooooooooooooooh boy

As you can tell I'm not the biggest fan of libertarian ideology, but I think we can all come together on one issue:that this fanfiction blows complete ass. That's all, I'm going to bed.

A New Member: A Generic Title for a Generic Fanfiction

Twilight, the first entry in a four part series, was published in 2005. The series was adapted into film series in 2008 which has made over 3.3 billion dollars in ticket sales. The series has been met with mixed reception. Its detractors criticize the series for its poor writing, promotion and normalization of abusive relationships as well as stalking, and an apparent anti-abortion message. However, it has received monumental praise from its core demographic of teenage girls, who of course love to write fanfiction. This will provide more than enough fodder for this blog to stay nice and cozy during a long and cruel winter. This brief, little tale is just one of the over 217,000 entries listed on FanFiction.net, which we will certainly be revisiting after this one.



A New Member

by

JustShutUp

Original Story Link



Chapter 1

>Need to know:

How to set up a bank account, file your own taxes-

Oh, wait this is a Twilight Fanfiction ™ neeeeevermind

>- means time lapse

>Name: Raine

>Age: 16

This is extremely useful information if you want to know if you should immediately close the window and move on to bigger and better things. Such as reading book or eating play dough.

>"WAKE UP!" Yelled your mom, Helena. "You're late!"

For your starring role in a shitty fanfiction!

>"WHAT?" You think as you jump off your bed. 

and onto the floor, and firmly face planting into a strategically located cream pie

>You glance at the digital clock and groan. It's 7:30 AM.

You forgot that it's Daylight Savings, so it's technically 8:30 Am, and it's finals week

>You brush your teeth, get dressed,…etc.

Ya know, hide a whisky bottle in the boot etc.

>"Are you sure you want to wear that?" Helena asks.

I want to wear my bondage gear and clown make up on campus, mother!!

>"What's wrong with it?" You ask, glancing down. You were wearing your favorite >shirt, a black H.I.M. band tee and your black "destroyed" jeans. 

I thought I was wearing my Velvet Underground band tee and my blue "demolished" jeans. Oh well

>You thought you looked okay.

"Thought" is the key word in this sentence.

>"Well it's just-never mind. Are you ready?"

No, I haven't finished the last 200 pages of my sparklypire book, moooother!

>"Whatever. Helena, this town is so small that there isn't even an airport! 

The town doesn't even has a working sewage system, mooother!

>I bet you I could walk through the entire town in just one day!"

Before the townspeople try and sacrifice us for killing their crops, moooother!

>"It would still take you a day, dear." Says Helena.

and only an hour to sacrifice us to the Sun god, mooother!

>"Yeah, let's go." You say, grabbing a pop tart.

This will fill my desire for bland, pasty things for the moment

>"Right behind ya babe." She answers.

It's your turn to kick start the Model A

>"Are you sure this is the school?" You ask, staring at the buildings.

What? you expect something better than balsa wood and Elmer's glue foundations?

>"Yeah, at least that's what the officials told me." Said Helena. 

The official was a man in a red and green striped with a brown fedora

>"Do you want me to come in with you?"

>"No Helena, it's okay." You say. 

I'll contract the Bubonic Plague by myself, mooooother!

>It's bad enough being a kid but imagine having your mom there!

Gah! How dare your parents try to be helpful!

>Your mom drops you off at the parking lot. 

Specifically, the abandoned Taco Bell parking lot across the street

>You receive a lot of stares, probably because your mom was driving a >Mercedes-Benz. 

Mostly because it was a Mercedes-Benz w31 still with the Nazi insignia on it

>You guys weren't rich, jus middle class that saved money; a Mercedes->Benz did look out of place amidst all the pickup trucks. 

the little Benz was out of place when it was surrounded by Chevrolet Silverado'a

>There was a BMW though.

Although, It was a half functioning BMW 3/15

>Then, you guess, you received a lot of stares for your clothes. 

Everybody was in fact staring at the half eaten pop tart that was stuck in her hair

>Almost no one was wearing "destroyed" jeans; absolutely no one had band tees or short >haircuts. 

Because this is a mennonite school, silly

>You see a movement in the corner of your eye and you see a guy staring at you. 

That's when you prepare your mace, and not just any mace.

>You turn to look at him completely when you notice that he's, well, HOT! He's tall, at >least 6'2'' and has brown hair. 

Bruce Spence?

>You can't see his eyes, but you have a feeling that they're hazel. There's something >about him though, familiar, but you can't place your finger on.

It is most definitely Bruce Spence

>You notice that there are quite a few people around him. Three girls and three guys.

Obviously the remnants of the settlers from the Road Warrior

>The guys are all handsome, and one of them is very muscular. 

Due to the lack of information I will assume it's Andre the Giant

>The girls are all extremely pretty, and one, breathtaking beautiful. She looked cold, >almost icy, as in untouchable though. 

I'll also assume that it's Suzanna Hamilton as Julia in 1984

>The other two looked friendly, one more than the other, because, well, she looked the >most normal. 

I'll also assume that they're Tegan and Sara

>You had a suspicion about them, but you weren't gonna say anything. Yet.

They might be, possibly, kinda, probably be a little bit of the gay persuasion

>Oh well. Now where's that main office? You think. You wander to the nearest building >and stick your head in. 

It turns out it's actually the Grounds Keeper's living quarters

>There is a lady sitting behind a desk.

With a gun in her hand

>"May I help you?" She asks.

If you don't answer me right now I WILL open a cup o' whoopass on you

>"Uh, yeah. Is this the main office?" You ask.

No, this is the broom closet, of course it's the main office!

>"Yee sweetie. Do you need help?"

I'm an angsty teenage girl who needs a pale vampire boyfriend, stat!

>"Yeah, um, I'm new and I need to pick up my schedule." You say, walking in.

>"Name?"

Average Twilight Fanfiction protagonist #37

>"Raine Conner."

Close enough

>"So why are you here?" Asks the receptionist.

WHAT'S YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, WHAT'S YOUR POLITICAL AFFILIATION!

>"Why'd you wanna know?" You ask her. It seemed to you that she was too nosy.

>"Just to pass the time honey." Said the lady, but you don't believe her. 

I get all up in people's kool aid all the time!

>She's weird you decide. Living in New York City had taught you that giving away too >much information was harmful, and sometimes outright dangerous.

Especially ever since Michael Bloomberg enacted those strict sugar laws, you could be publicly caned for smuggling a little sugar packet

>"Here's your schedule. Have your teachers sign it and bring it back to me at the end of >the day." She said, handing you your schedule.

I left my number on the back if you want some fun!

>You leave the office and look for A building where you had reading first. 

It's not hard to find A building because you were just in A building!

>You finally locate it, all the way in the back. 

Because it's soooo difficult to find A building unless you live in a tundra or another uninhabited wasteland!

>You walk in. You know you're early because there are only 2 students in the classroom. 

The rest of the class fled as they knew ahead of the time that they were going to be in a Twilight Fanfiction

>You recognize them as the boy who was staring at you and one of the other guys, this >one with chestnut hair and golden eyes, 

This is when you wonder why one of your fellow students went Super Saiyan

>You look around for the teacher and spot him behind his desk. He's a short balding guy >with horn-rim glasses behind a newspaper.

Henry Kissinger's career has reached a point where he has to take a minor role in a Twilight Fanfiction. Good riddance.

>You walk up to him but he ignores you. You clear your throat. He still ignores you. >Finally you tap him and say, "EXCUSE ME!" 

What, what you want?! I'm trying to recall one of my meetings with Henry Cabot Lodge Jr.!

>By this time, the class is full and everyone stares at you. You ignore them.

Just like the average protagonist of a Twilight Fanfiction

>"Yes?" He asks, peering up at you. You just hand him his schedule and point at the part >that says 'teacher's signature.'

You must be patient little girl as a prepare you all for a realistic approach to world affairs!

>"Oh, you're new? Well welcome to Small High School. Nice to meet you, uh…" Says the >teacher, drifting off.

Kissinger begins to recall his long, late nights with Nixon during the unraveling of the Watergate incident

>"Raine." You supply.

But I though Jesus supplied the rain?

>"Uh, yes, Raine. I'm Mr. Berth and this is Reading A. Here's the work you have to do >this semester." He says, handing you a bunch of papers.

Now you have to finish an entire semesters work of work in a day

> "There's an empty seat in the back."

Oh never mind there's a skeleton in the seat and cobwebs covering

>You walk to the seat, conscious of all the stares you were getting.
>Can't these people just mind your own business?You can't help but think.

One pop tart in the hair, i'm tellin ya, can ruin your life

>You get to your seat and sit down. You're in the second to last row. The guy who was >staring at you in the parking lot is the one who sits behind you. 

Just use your medieval mace on him if you catch him being an idiot

>Life's so unfair, You think. For the rest of the period, and the rest of the day, you just >spend your time thinking. 

Why do people just like do stuff?

>Last period, finally! 

Woo! Only two classes today!

>You glance down at your schedule and smile. You have gym.
>You love gym, as in seriously love it.

You love the idea of playing basketball for thirty minutes with a bunch of hooligans, fine by me.


>You loved playing sports, especially soccer, hockey and dodge ball The last one is the >most fun.

Raine was a sadistic child growing up

>You walk into your gymnasium and see a bunch of girls clustered around each other >and some guys sitting on the bleachers. You walk up to the gym teacher and introduced >yourself. 

Hey bitch, I’m Ebony Dark’ness Dem- Oops wrong story

>The lady tells you that you will receive your uniform in a week.

The bastards!

>You went over and stood by some girls. You could here them whispering and glancing >at you. 

They clearly want your sexual organs. Most likely inside of them.

>Immature, you think. Finally one of them, with long brown hair, comes up to you. She's >also the same one from morning, the one that looked the most friendly.

She shall live.

>"Are you new? You know what, never mind. They did the same thing to me when I was >new." She sys, nudging her head towards the girls.

They also dumped pigs blood on me.

>"Was?" You ask.
waaaaah?
wusssss

>"Yeah, I came here from Phoenix last year. Where're you from?" She says, fast.

I come from the darkness where light dares not penetrate.

>"NYC." You say.

Same thing.

>"Cool. I've never been there, but I heard that everyone there is in gangs." She confides >to you.

Because the name Raine Conner screams organized crime.

>You laugh at this. "Not everyone is in gangs. There's the Italian mafia, Russian mafia, >…etc. "

The Nepalese Mafia, the Luxembourgen Mafia, ya know!

>She laughs too. "Oh wait, I forgot to introduce myself. 
>Name's Isabella but call me Bella. 

My name's Raine, but uh, call me Raine

>I came here because I wanted to live with Charlie, my dad."

I'm sorry, don't you mean, Mustache Dad?

>You smile. "My name's Raine. Call me Raine and nothing else but Raine. I'm just here."

I'M RAINE GOD DAMN IT. RAAAAAAAAINE!!!

>Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Two times the intensity, two times the passion, two times the mediocrity!

>You and Bella talk for a long time, almost the whole period. You were surprised that >Bella hated gym. 

You cursed the very name Bella to the very last day on planet Earth for daring to hold  a different opinion than yours.

>She walked with you outside, and outside you met her boyfriend Edward. He was >okay, mostly quiet.

That's how most people describe their neighbor after finding out he had been digging up and graveyards and made himself a woman suit.


>You were a little embarrassed because the love birds kept on exchanging glances >that made you uncomfortable.

Don't you just hate it when love birds give you the death glare?

>"Oh excuse me, I have to call my mom." You say to the love birds.

Raine Conner is! Dr. Doolittle

>"Oh, sorry." Said Bella, looking guilty.

How dare we have human emotions around you! Or rather lack of emotions…

>"It's okay. I wish my ex and me would've had the same connection as you guys >have." You say, smiling.

But in reality you're dead internally

>Then before she could say anything, you take out your cell and call your mom.

>"¿Hola?" Said Helena. One of her best friends was Spanish and had taught her the >language. She'd then passed it on to you.

Her Mom is Peggy Hill?

>"Hey, it's me. I just got out. When're you gonna come pick me up?" You said, half in >Spanish, half in English, aware that Edward and Bella were looking at you curiously.

Es siempre bizarre watching a person suddenly tiene a crisis nerviosa

>"Oh baby, I'm sorry, I get off at 5. Sweetie, can you get someone to drop you off?"

I'm sure that guy that sits behind you in Mr. Kissinger's class would happily give you a ride!

>"I don't know Helena. I mean, dude, I don't even know where the house is!" You say >panicking.

I forgot my name? Is it Sycamore Paine? No, not silly enough!

>"Is everything okay?" Asks Bella looking concerned.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY!

>"Yeah, it's just that Helena gets off at 5 and I have to get a ride to my house."

God forbid you spend some time outside the house!

>You say, try in got shrug it off but in your panic, your New Yorkan accent stood out >more than normal, so 'my' came out sounding like 'mah' and house sounded like >'hawse.'

Don't worry we all have our Joe Pesci moments

>"Well, you know, we could drop you off." Said Edward.

>"No it's o-" You started to say but Helena cuts you off.

>"Honey did someone just offer you a ride? Go for it!"

Bonus point if they're offering candy!

>"But m-" You started to say again, but Bella cut you off.

>"Great! What's the address? I drive!"

I verb!

>"No-" You started again, but your mom cut you off by rattling off the address.

>"Great." Said Edward, "Let's go. Oh and Bella, I drive."

Hey! I verb around here!


This was short, but extremely painful. However, this is nowhere near as painful as the one I'm reviewing next. The words that I can properly describe the next fanfiction is "living necrophilia"

When Did You Heart Go Missing: Friday the 13th Part XI: Jason Take's Freddy's Ass

No introduction because this shit doesn't deserve it and is long enough as it is


Where Did Your Heart Go Missing

by Ynnep

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/3732505/1/When-did-your-heart-go-missing

>When did your heart go missing?

I dunno, the Coroner from Jason Goes to Hell probably ate it

>It has been over three years since Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees had the fight that was >supposed to kill them both. 

and what a disappointment that was! No, Kane Hodder? pffft Zero Stars.

>But four years later here they both are. 

The stars of mediocre remakes and featured as adorable collectible bobble heads 

                                                    You're Such an Adorable Little Mass Murderer!

>Jason continued to kill anyone that dared to enter Camp Crystal Lake. 

And occasionally taking trips to Toronto and mistaking it for Manhattan

>Like an animal guarding its domain, 

Specifically a squirrel guarding its nuts

>Jason made sure that no one that entered his realm made it out alive. 

And if they did they had the horrible fate of growing up to be Corey Feldman

>And what of Freddy Krueger you ask? 

A star of a mediocre remake and featured as an adorable collectible bobble head

You Won't Believe that He Was a Child Molester!

>Jason had cut of his head and decided to keep it as a reminder of the fight, 

He hung it on the mantle as if it were a trophy

>but when it started to talk and curse at him he decided to go find the body. 

Oh come on, who doesn't want to have Robert England making terrible puns while they're cleaning their living room?


>If anything just to make the child murderer shut his mouth.

Oh he would do ANYTHING just to make his mouth close up!

>At last Freddy had his body but still couldn't leave Jason's decaying chalet. 

Man this fanfiction is going places if it believes that Crystal Lake is in the Swiss Alps instead of New Jersey!

>No one feared him anymore so he couldn't mind rape Jason and leave. 

To be fair, I don't think anybody has found Freddy Krueger scary since the third entry (New Nightmare doesn't count)

>Besides the giant would most likely kill him if he tried to escape. 

Or worse, Freddy his Kruegers


>So now he was stuck there.

Like the lump of a chump

>Just like the many children he had held captive for so many years, he had been kept against his will. 

As a result he developed a serious desire for killing horny teenagers at night. Oh wait…


>How has three years stuck with your enemy change you?

This sentence reminds me of how Middle School completely molded me into the fucked up individual I am today!


>It was a dark and gloomy day at Camp blood as it was now know as. 

Well, at least it isn't a "dark and stormy night"


>Freddy didn't like days like this.

It reminded him too much of the day he fell in love with a hulking, mentally handicapped machete wielding zombie!


>He may have been a dark and evil killer but he preferred a bright, sunny day as apposed to a day like >this.

As opposed to the Nightmare on Elm Street movies which have the majority of the film take place at night,

 which is,

oh let me see

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM

>He walked around the condemned house with his arms folded tightly around his frame, not wanting to >touch anything in that house.

I can't honestly blame him, I mean he has his Mother's head and her raggedy clothes lying on a table in the front! Come on, not even the ultimate Mamas boy, Ed Gein had his mothers head in the front.

 >After finding there was nothing to do he sat on a rotting green and tan couch in the middle of the room.

There was a working NES, but all he had were dozens of copies of Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street for the NES

>"God…this place is a Martha Stuart nightmare." 

But it's a Collyer Brothers dream!

>Mumbled the demon as he sat on a moldy couch in Jason's living room. 
>"Heh…nightmare…"

I laugh at my own cheesy jokes!


>Freddy moved over to a window and peered out at all the dead bodies and vines that tangled around >the residence. 

Man, I really to hire maid.


>The dream demon narrowed his eyes and turned away from the window.

>"F-k, you think the retard would at least grow some flowers or something…Grrr…"

                                                                  Truly, the flower growing type

>He scoffed and walked deeper into the house.

"Baka~"

>Freddy walked passed Jason's room but then backed up.

Freddy noticed rose pedals and scented candles had been spread out across the bed

>Jason hadn't been home in days and Freddy knew he was not allowed in the behemoth's room but he >couldn't help himself.

Time to short sheet the bed!

>He walked into the room and started to look around. The room was dark, water logged, moldy, putrid, >and reeked of death.

Perfect for a person who has a perpetual fear of water!

>If a person could be identified by their room then yup, this was Jason's room. 

I don't know it, it could also be Captain Edward J. Smith's bed


>Freddy walked over to the bed and sat on it. 

Hopefully this doesn't lead to me being caught or anything!


>There was dirty old teddy bear on the bed. It smelled bad and had only one eye.

It was then Freddy realized that Jason had surrounded his room with every single possible possible bear that could be made at a Build-a-Bear Workshop

>Freddy shoved it over and crawled onto the double bed.

Uhh, take that bear!


>"Well at least his bed a soft…YAAAWWWNNN!"

My bed is also a soft…YAAAWWWWNNN! It's better than my old bed which was an hard…GROOAAANNN!


>He then lied on the bed and cringed when his skin touched the sticky sheets and blankets. He gulped >and his eyes watered a little.

Oh Jesus, I didn't think we would have sticky bed sheets this early in the fanfiction

>"Well…this is a f-king dead guy's bed." He exhaled and sunk into the sheets.

Now Freddy's back is covered with Jason's man goo, and we're not even half way through this!

We're not even half way through this thing
…

We're not even half way
…

We're not
…

*Silently sobs*

>Freddy couldn't kill people in their dreams anymore.

Now he could only kill people with his mind

>He couldn't even walk into others dreams anymore if they didn't fear him. 

But he could skip into others dreams and fill them with complete dread and terror!

>The only person whose dreams he could invade now was Jason.

However, they were only filled with images of a small puppy running around, falling down, and running around again.

>The hockey mask killer seemed to be intrepid but he would always have a little fear in his black heart for >the demon as would the demon himself.


>Freddy drifted into the dream world in search of Jason.

JASON JAAAASON JASOON JASSSSOOON!


>He had spent so much unwanted time with man that he could pinpoint Jason's brainwaves in an instant.

He was able to pick his heart beat from a line up of heart beats.


>Suddenly his mind was transferred to an even darker place.

It was the minds of Zeus Cervas and Casey Alexander

>It was dark and their were dead teenagers everywhere…this was definitely Jason's dreams. 

Pfft, it's obviously Trevor Moorhouse's dreams


>Freddy walked threw the imaginary woods until he saw the overgrown zombie standing on a hill of dead >adolescents.

Hey Freddy, look what I left for you :3

>The dream demon put his hands to his face and shouted out to the other killer.

Do I have to reteach you everything, baka~~

>"HEY F-K WAD!"

CLEAN YOUR GOD DAMN SHEETS!


>With a load cracking sound Jason turned to Freddy and started lurching towards him. 

I'll teach you to call somebody a fuck wad

>The two approached each other and Jason raised his machete to attack.
>Freddy sighed and put his hands up.

Woah, dude that's just like my pet name for you. Chill bruh.

>"At ease big guy I am not here to fight…just to talk."

And exchange penis sizes


>The tall man cocked his head to one side, then the other, and then he set down his weapon and sat on >the ground.

Freddy interpreted this as the initiation for an intense game of patty cake


>Freddy soon joined him on the ground. This had actually become a bit of a routine for them. Jason >would go out to kill, fall asleep, Freddy would meet him in the dream realm and they would actually not >fight, but have a conversation about their day. 

How do you expect to pay the bills when you don't have a real job!


>In the real world Jason hadn't talked in years or rather he couldn't. 

Because he's a fuckin dead zombie!

>His vocal cords rotted out years ago and he was too retarded to form a proper sentence.

Oh come on, he could probably discuss the intricate relationship between the East India Trade Company and Imperial China during the 19th century if his vocal chord weren't rotted out!

 >But in his dreams Freddy had shown him how to use his subconscious to enable him to talk.

Now this is just silly

>But what would he talk about?

Obviously the war between the bourgeois and the proletariat

>"..." Jason stared blankly at Freddy.

Oh, he speaks through ellipsis!

>"You're being quieter then usual…where the hell are you anyway?" 
>Muttered the small killer as he scratched his crotch.

You haven't begged for sex in a week, don't you find me attractive anymore!?

>Jason just continued to stare off into space.

He contemplated the economic theories of Engels and Bernstein


>Freddy started to get impatient, so he pulled a table out of nowhere and placed it between them. He >then pulled out two cups of coffee and placed them on the table. 

Jason, we need to talk about the future of this relationship!

>They had been doing this for almost three and a half years now.

They had drifted together and then drifted apart like a river current carrying two leaves

>They knew what it would take to make the other talk. Of course this brought the two killers closer…didn't >it?

They were practically at each other necks now

>"So b-h, where are you? Heh are you in Vegas?"

You're think about her aren't you? AREN'T YOU?!

>Jason let out a heavy sigh and faced Freddy. He shrugged his shoulders lazily.

Listen, Freddy. I think this flame has burned out a long time ago, bro

>"I really don't know. Somewhere around the camp I guess." He spoke with a deep and soft voice.

The camp is a metaphor the anxiety the mind feels when it is lost in the massive bureaucracy that is life

>We can assume this is how he would sound if he could talk. 

It is also assumed that there is an alternate universe where I am the happiest human being that has ever lived because I never discovered this.

>Freddy took a sip of his coffee and smirked at the other man. 

Jason, you make the most amaaaaaazing french brew I have ever tasted

>Jason cocked his head and narrowed his eyes at Freddy.

You know what this means?

It's time for…

Espresso Shots!!!1!

"What are you smile'n 'bout Krueger?"

Oh, I'm just thinkin 'bout ya know, last night?

>Freddy took another sip of his drink and looked away.

Gah, you're such a bore!

 >If a sarcastic tone he spoke.

What the fuck? Am I reading excerpts from Confucius' The Analects here?


> "It's just so lonely with out your beautiful face to wake up to…it's been over three years and this is the >closest we are? …I missed you." He then started to chuckle.

I feel really, really, really dirty reading this. And i've read detailed descriptions of actual skullfucking on 4chan

>Jason gritted his teeth under his mask and stood up again.

Jason turned away with his arms crossed, and his face bright red

>Freddy looked up to see the tall man walking away. He got up and ran after him.

>"Hey ass hole! Where are you going?"

I th-thought we were going to kill teenagers , or something together

>He fallowed Jason into a plot of land that was covered in blood and corpses. 

and off in the distance was the perpetrator, a lone broken trampoline


>Freddy looked around at the dead bodies. A grin crossed his face and he lifted up his hat.

You dumb sonovabitch, how are we supposed to clean all this shit up?!?

>"Wow Jason…I'll admit I was wrong." He let out a whistle. "You are good."

at failing miserably!!!

hah
ah
ha
*sighs*

>Freddy wandered over to a girl that had her head hanging to her neck by a thin strand of flesh. 

Look you dumb oaf, you can't even cut the head off properly do i have to do everything around here?

>He picked her up and pulled off the head then started to eye the area it was severed. 

Yep she's dead.

>Then he smelled the cranium and looked to Jason who was currently stomping on a dead man.

>"Jason…you took her head off using a vine didn't you? I can smell the sap." He took another whiff and >exhaled with a malevolent grin crossing his face. "God…the smell of her fear is mouth-watering."

Her terror makes me all itchy inside!

>Jason looked back at Freddy with his head cocked. "…I…don't know if I should be impressed of freaked >out at the fact that you knew that." He continued to stomp.

If that aspect of serial killer pedophile freaks you out there's something a bit wrong in the head, but then again this is Jason Voorhees, who has had a machete rammed into his skull by a young Corey Feldman (srsly)

>Freddy dropped the head and put his hand on his hips. "So Frankenstein speaks eh? >Hahahhahahahhhhhh!" He shook his head made his way over to Jason.

Well Frankenstein is a human scientist after all!

>Jason remained silent as Freddy stood near him with a grin of his face. The tall one scooted away from >the dream demon. Shortly after that the smile on Freddy's face vanished.
>"Krueger…you are creepy, there I said it!" Jason then walked off.

You've managed to creep out Jason Voorhees… there's an award for out creeping creeps, but the 1st prize for that has already been taken by Rick Santorum

                                             "Let me talk to you about partial-birth abortions"

>Freddy fallowed after the man with his hand folded tightly.

>"Oh and you're so ordinary."

In what universe would a serial killer zombie, mamma's boy, who has been killed and resurrected multiple times, has had his heart eaten, blown into smithereens, murdered Crispin Glover, and has been into space would be considered ordinary?

>Jason didn't respond but starting mumbling a bizarre tune.

                            "CAUSE YOU CAN'T BREAK IT ANYMORE. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE WAITING FOR"

>"Love don't come so easily…I have you and you have me…I'm waiting, waiting for noting. You're >leaving, leaving me hanging…when did your heart go missing, when did your heart go missing yeah…"

Oh White Lion well… close enough!

>Freddy looked at Jason with a strange smile on his face.

>"Pff…are you-are you singing a pop song?" Freddy hugged his sides and let out a throaty cackle. >"Where the f-k did you here a pop song?"

I would like to note that "fuck" is censored is a hardcore yaoi story. Just keep that in mind

>Jason rolled his eyes and looked to the laughing demon with an ill at ease expression on his face.

>"I killed this kid that had an…I pod? Anyway…this song was playing and now it's stuck in the back of my >head."

I could totally imagine Jason Voorhees wearing some sick Beats by Dre bumping some White Lion

>Freddy nodded and kept laughing at the big man's story.

I didn't know Freddy was talking to God, unless this whole story is a metaphor for man's abandonment of God which has lead to our downfall

>"So when…heheh, when did your heart go missing?"

>Jason turned away from the demon and exhaled loudly.

Well some coroner decided to eat it and as a result killed security guard, Kane Hodder.

>"F-Fred…if I'm not home…why haven't you tried to escape?" Jason said this in a deep and stern voice. >"You've had three freak'n years? Why are you choosing to stay with me?"

I really can't imagine Jason Voorhees speaking, let alone saying "freak'n" like he's SammyClassicSonicFan or something

>Freddy didn't answer. Jason looked away and gurgled out a weak laugh and placed a hand on Freddy's >head.

Remember when I dragged you out of that lake with my fingerless hands? hahaha Good times. Good times.

>"I see now…you don't wanna walk that much eh? In the words of…somebody I probably killed…
>you ain't got nothing on me…with walking. "

I've reread that several times and don't know what to make of that other than to move swiftly on before the vein on forehead starts throbbing even more than it already is

>Freddy chuckled as he removed Jason's hand from his head. The short man looked up at Jason, a >smile plastered on his face again. He then poked one of his claws into Jason's chest and started >shouting.

The best part about being stabbed in the chest by post-Part 3 Freddy Krueger? You will finally stop hearing his barrage of bad puns

>"HAHHAHAHAAH! EVEN IN IT THE DREAM WORLD YOUR SPEAKING ABILITY SUCKS MORE ASS >THEN THE KIDS YOU KILL! WHAT A BIG DUMB DOG YOU ARE! Hahahahahhahahhhahahhaaa…>Seriously, didn't your mom teach you to speak right? HahAHAHhaAhaHaAHhAHahhhaahhahh!"

>And out of nowhere, Jason knocked Freddy halfway through the woods and into a tree.

That's bound to happen if you toss someone into a forest

>"OwwWWWwwwwWwWww…F-K!" Freddy sat up and snapped his neck back in place. "What the f-k >was that for!?" Freddy stood up and walked back to Jason.
>Jason glared at the demon with great anger in his eyes. "For being a dick in MY dream!" Jason then >flipped Freddy off and started walking into the woods.

I'm sorry folks I just can't imagine Jason Voorhees flipping off anyone, let alone Freddy Krueger. It just doesn't seem right. And thats obviously the only characterization that's been slightly off!

>A vain appeared on Freddy's head. 

Some goth kid carved that word on the side of the tree Freddy face planted on

>He dashed after Jason and tried to tackle the man only to collide with 247lbs of dead weight. 

The sight was akin to Wiley Coyote slamming into a wall at warp speed

>He fell to the ground, rolling in pain as the taller man kept walking away. When the pain finally stopped >Freddy sat up and roared out to Jason."YOU KNOW ITS 2:48 IN THE F-KING AFTERNOON YOU >LETHARGIC DOUCHE BAG!" Freddy smiled, proud of his wisecracks.

I totally imagined these icons of horror battling at the dreaded hour of 2:48 in the afternoon. Why that's more than ten hours after witching hour!

>Then out of nowhere Jason appeared with his hand around Freddy's neck and his eyes glowing blood >red. "THEN F-KING WAKE UP SO I CAN KILL YOU!"

Ye,  listen to the person you are fighting a life or death struggle against and willfully give him a massive advantage over you! Reminds me of the time during the Vietnam War, when General Vo Nguyen Giap ordered the Ho Chi Minh Trail to be lit up with spot lights and giant neon signs saying "fuck me"

>Freddy's heart stopped and before he knew it he was back in Jason's room with the enraged man sitting >on top of him. Freddy gulped and started to sweat. He knew he could be pulled out of dreams but had >no idea that others could.

>"J-Jason!" He gasped and struggled under the voiceless man's death grip. "Stop…please stop this! >ACK!"

>But Jason didn't stop, however he did tighten his grasp and held it long enough to make Freddy loose >the color in his face.

His burnt skin turned a slightly lighter shade of brown.

>He would have held it longer if Freddy hadn't penetrated his claws deep into Jason's side ribs.

Side ribs aren't the only thing that's going to be penetrated by the end of this fanfic!

>Jason let out a faint moan along with loosening his grip long enough for the smaller man to get away.
> Freddy slid out from under Jason and as soon as he was free he took the opportunity to stab his razor >blades into the other man's spinal cord. Jason when limp and fell onto his bed with a thump. Freddy >lifted his hat and cleaned the sweat of his forehead.He let out a soft cackle and adjusted his hat again. >"Man, heh, heh…you haven't lost your edge Jason…heh." He looked around for a moment then started >to walk over to the motionless Jason.He let out a soft cackle and adjusted his hat again. "Man, heh, >heh…you haven't lost your edge Jason…heh." He looked around for a moment then started to walk >over to the motionless Jason.

>"Are you ok?" He said in a half concerned half mocking voice.

And that's a wrap let'-

>Jason didn't make a sound but looked over to Freddy with annoyance and rage in his eyes.

OH GOD DAMN IT

>His hands twitched as if he wanted to get up and squeeze the life out of Freddy's skinny neck again. >Freddy smiled and patted Jason on the head.

WHO'S A GOOD JASON YOU ARE YOU ARE

>"It's ok Jason boy. You've been though much worse…umm…you should be up in no time."

If a dude could handle a machete to the neck, being hanged, and an axe to the face in the span of 48 hours, I think he could handle a little spinal cord injury

>Freddy removed his hand as soon as he remembered something somebody once said.

>"If you cut of a wolf's head it can still bite."

Out of all of films Freddy could reference, he references Princess Mononoke? Well, all I need now is to see the cast from My Neighbor Totoro move into the Sawyer Family Residence, and knowing the world of fanfiction it probably exists or someone is working on the 27th chapter of it right now!

>Freddy then backed up a little bit. "Don't worry; you'll almost certainly be up by tonight. I mean c'mon it's >you we're talking about and uh…"

>Jason continued to glare at the small slasher.

Jason is looking at the writer of this fanfiction?

>Freddy was beginning to get uneasy and begun to back out of the room. But before leaving his said one >last thing to the infuriated Jason.

>"I'm sorry."

NOW KISS ME YOU FOOL

>It was a few hours later that Jason emerged from his room with a pissed off look still in his eyes. He >slumped around his dwelling, looking for the bastard that severed his spine.

The bastard left the milk open in the fridge

>Jason was back to his normal thinking mode now.

I want some peanuts and to kill half naked teenagers

>This essentially means that he only knows sadness, hate and revenge.

When did this turn into the Crow?

>His anger grew the more he thought about it. He sped up and ran into his living room where Freddy >usually was only to see he was not there.

Now's the time to play the Americanized version of the British classic Where's Fredrick!?

>A vain began to bleed on his head and he made a sharp turn to the half caved in hall that lead to his >bathroom.

This is getting way too philosophical for me


>He threw the door open and looked inside to see that Freddy was not there either.
>He clinched his fist and turned back to the hall leading to the living room.

KRUUUUUUEGER!


>Where could that little child molester be?

Now just imagine that sentence in any other fanfiction. It's a bit unnerving isn't it?


>Jason asked himself that again and again, until it dawned on him.

>"Fri…gnn…"
>The words "Freddy gone" bubbled out of his mouth along with a mouth full of blood and other unknown >fluids.

EWW. EWW. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwWWWWwwWWWwwwWW

*Takes shower*

>Jason stood there for a moment to try and process what was happening.

I took more than a moment and I DON'T want to process what's going on!


>Over and over his mind screamed "Freddy's gone, Freddy's gone" but he still didn't get what was going >on.

That's my exact thought process when I first played FNaF


>He made his way down the hall to the living room passed a broken door and to his moldy couch.

Next to the musty coffee table and the splintered chair!

>There Jason looked at the repulsive sofa over a few times until he knew that Freddy wasn't there.

I am too repulsed by my sofa to the point that I actually have to refer to it as repulsive.

>"Fri gnn…"

Fry gun!

>He sat on the couch and rested his hands on his lap. The thought of being alone again after all these >years…it made him think of the time some kids came into his house and took the remains of his mother >and buried them as if it would put Jason's mind at ease and let him "rest in piece".

But after the fight it would most likely be in pieces

>Like hell it would! Jason slaughtered every single one of the little monsters!

Has Jason turned into Curtis's Mom from Phantasmagoria 2?

>But in the end he didn't find where she was buried.
>It made him angry but at the same time it did put his heart at ease to know she would be in heaven >now.


>She was gone forever and there was nothing Jason could do about it and even he knew that.

>Shortly after that horrible time he thought he saw her again only to find out it was Freddy using his >mother's likeness to use him. Jason would never forget that…that is why he wanted to kill Freddy.

>Not for using him or even for trying to kill him. It was for using his mother. But over time his hatred for t>he little pedophile began to fade.

>He had gotten used to having him around and even felt secure with him. Jason felt his face become >wet. Was he bleeding…or was he actually crying? He hadn't cried since the day he drowned. Jason felt >his blood stop flowing and he placed his hand over his heart.

>"…Ma…ma…Fri…dy…"

>Jason felt his life force vanishing.

Yes, his VHS tape of Tobe Hooper's Lifeforce was degrading at an incredible rate

>He shut his eyes decided to just let it happen.

Reminds me of when someone you love or care for cooks something absolutely disgusting for you, but you do not want to hurt their feeling or be an asshole, and you just close your eyes and scarf it down.

>"BRAINLESS ZOMBIE, IS YOUR SPINE BETTER YET!?"

John Boehner?

>Jason shot back to life and grabbed the source of the insult.

Grabbed Freddy, grabbed him right on the kisser!

>His eyes focused on the source, ready to kill it. But…it was…

So absolutely repulsive that it makes the pile of rags stained with motor oil on my back porch look attractive in comparison

>Jason's eye widened to see that he was choking a certain Child Murderer.
>Freddy was hanging by his neck, stabbing Jason in the arm. Jason stared in confusion as the smaller man continued to pierce his arm again and again.
>"JASON, YOU F-KING RETARDED BASTARD YOU BETTER F-KING PUT ME DOWN RIGHT F-KING >NOW!"

This is like watching the TV version of Scarface, whats the fucking point of airing it if half of the dialogue contains "fuck" every other sentence

>Screeched Freddy as his neckline started to crush under Jason's massive hand.

Crushing him like a tiny little staws!

>Jason set Freddy down and placed his hands in his lap again. Freddy coughed and gagged for a >moment before looking at Jason.

I have a feeling that Freddy is not done with coughing and gagging in this fanfiction. I'm just sayin.

>"What the hell did you do that for!?" His breathed was dither and faint.

>Jason cocked his head and raised a hand to scratch his skull. Freddy raised a brow in addition to >scratching his head as well.

I don't even know what's even going on right now

So here's a picture of a happy puppy

                                         The happiest puppy to ever be featured in a Freddy/Jason yaoi fic

>"Huh?" He thought about it for a second or two, and then it hit him. "Oh! You want to know where I was."

>Jason nodded his head slightly. Freddy smiled and put his hand to his hip.

>"Heh…I was in the kitchen. It smelled so fking bad in there I had to clean." He stared off with a drained >look. "No offence Jason my boy but you're a slob." He then looked Jason in the eyes. "I mean s-t; even I >kept my boiler room clean…Jason…are you listening?"

Jason, it's either me or your garbage heap.

>Freddy leaned forward to shake Jason's shoulder only to be pulled into the mighty giant's arms.

and nestle him to sleep in his little crib :3

>"OH CRAP YOU ARE GOING TO KILL ME!"

>Freddy struggled to get free but to no avail, Jason was just too physically powerful. But then Freddy >started sweating and he was about to panic until he realized that Jason wasn't crushing him but hugging >him. Freddy looked up to see that the anger and bloodlust in Jason's eyes was gone.

Stop. Don't

"…Jason…" Freddy's face became hot and he felt himself loosing his balance. "Uh, um…did you know your heart isn't beating?"
>Jason let Freddy go and nodded in response to the man's inquiry. Jason stuck his hand under his shirt >and lifted it up to reveal that there was a hole in his chest.

You can stop this at any point, man

>"Damn…that's just…not a hundred percent."

>Freddy leaned in for a better look. It was bad, three ribs were broken around his sternum and to top it off >more then half of Jason's heart was being eaten by worms. Freddy leaned back and touched his own >burns.

Please don't try to make us feel an emotion in right before an onslaught of necrophilliac smut

>"Man…what happened to you Jason?"

That's what I thought about the franchise after seeing the remake

>Jason turned his head on the side and put his shirt down. Freddy sat down next to the undead man and >put his ungloved hand on Jason's shoulder. Jason looked to Freddy with a puzzled look on his face. The >dream demon had a peaceful yet dismal look on his burned façade.
>He let out a heavy sigh. "And they call us the immoral executioners of the innocent." He fallowed the >sentence with a weak laugh.

I don't even right now. So here's a puppy in a Jason Voorhees costume

                                             "The second happiest dog to be featured in a Jason/Freddy fanfic"

>Jason leaned down and rested his head on Freddy's hat causing the man's face to redden. There was >an awkward silence fallowed by Freddy shoving Jason off the couch.

Why DO I have the feeling that a laugh track should follow this

>"Get your filthy head off of me you fat ass!" Freddy readjusted his hat and grumbled something under >his breath. "Dammit! You got your zombie juices on it!"

>Jason popped back up and tackled Freddy to the ground.

>"WHAT THE F-KING HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

and it's all down hill from here

Uncut IF YOU DON'T WANT YAOI DON'T READ!



Thanks for the heads up!

*readys barf bag*

>Jason had Freddy pinned on the floor. Freddy continued to curse and scream while Jason sat on top of >the foulmouthed slasher with his legs straddled around his hips.

This is the point that any weak, ill-bodied person would give up and call it a day. However, I vow to survive and read every single word of this.

God help me

>"Jason you f-ker! What are you trying to do to me you-" Then Freddy took a long look into Jason's eyes.

>They were a dazzling bottle green and they were…happy. Jason actually looked happy for once. Every >time Freddy looked into those jade eyes it almost made him sad, almost. But this time Jason's eyes lit >up like the moon. Freddy just about lost himself in those eyes.

                                  "The most beautiful eyes any man has seen, yet the face only a mother could love."

>"You don't plan to kill me with your good looks do you?" Freddy let out a feeble laugh after his >statement.They held that position for long moment. After about four minutes of this, Freddy couldn't >stand holding still anymore. He tried to shove Jason off of him but he couldn't move the larger man even >an inch.

>"Ok Jason this isn't funny anymore! What ARE you doing?"

>Jason cocked his head and lowered himself to squeeze Freddy once again. Finally it hit Freddy. He >tried again to move Jason but it failed.

>"Jason…if you want to do this…can we do this on a bed!"

pls. no. dont. stahp

>Freddy continued to shove Jason until he got off. Jason turned is head on its side again and started to >make a groaning sound. He was still confused and placed his hands on his knees. The dream demon >had a mischievous grin on his face as he stood up in front of the confused Jason. Freddy fixed his >clothing and dusted himself off.

He has too make sure that his raggedy clothes that are covered in mildew and most likely parasites are dust free

>He turned to Jason and with his clawed hand to poked Jason in the forehead.

>"I know what you want now big guy." The smirk on his face grew. "I can't blame you one bit."

>Jason turned his head again as he for once was at eyelevel with the petite demon. Freddy ran his hand >along Jason's slimy masked mug and he chuckled.

>"I haven't f-ked in years and I know you're still a virgin right Jason?"

Just reading this made me dry heave a little

>The hockey masked killer looked away and grumbled again. It was true that he had never had sex. He >had never even been kissed in all his years of life and afterlife. Freddy's hand moved from Jason's to his >shirt collar.

Good thing Jason was wearing his Chippendales outfit today

>Jason snapped back to reality in time to see Freddy shredded the big man's shirts off.

Well, God is obviously extremely ripped

>Jason's eyes nearly popped out of his head and he jumped up covering his chest and arms. Freddy >observed Jason's reaction and shook his head.

>"I guess you don't like me using my glove to strip you eh?" Freddy took of his glove and set it on the >couch. "That better you big baby?"

Freddy is renowned for his dirty talking

>Freddy showed his hands and in response Jason nodded his head. Freddy rolled his eyes and took of >his hat, setting next to his glove. Then he started to undo his pants but was stopped by Jason laying his >hand on top of Freddy's.

I can feel my resolve weakening, but I MUST get through this shit

>The burned man looked up see Jason green eyes looking into him again. Freddy smirked again and put >his to his sides.

>"Go ahead Jason."

>Jason undid Freddy's belt, then his pants and concluded by pulling the man's dark brown slacks down >to his ankles. Blood started to drip from under Jason's mask as he completely remove the other man's >pants.

>"Holy s-t, Jason are you ok? You're bleed'n from your face!"

Similar to Jason there s already blood running down face except it's streaming like a waterfall from my eyes

>Freddy went to touch Jason's mask but the bleeding man backed away. Freddy folded his arms and >contemplated the situation. Then it hit him like a machete to the face! Jason's face was scarred and >rotted and this must be what happens when he blushes.

                                                "You see this shit? You STOP when you do this shit!"

This is physically hurting now and the foreplay hasn't even started!


>Freddy sniggered at the thought of the killer Jason Voorhees blushing. Freddy was enjoying seeing >Jason humiliated like this. The little demon crossed his hand over his hips and pulled his shirt over his >head slowly. Jason tilted his head and clinched his hands.

>"Don't worry bitch I won't turn into demon form if you don't want me too."

>Jason let out a sigh of relief and headed towards Freddy. Their eyes met again and a few minutes later >they were on Jason's bed fully stripped…Well Freddy was. Jason still had his pants on and his hands >over his crotch despite the fact that Freddy tried to move them.

>"Damn you Jason! Move your f-king hand so I can see your d-k!" Freddy screamed as he pulled on >Jason's hands.

So weird how fucking and dick are censored but the implications of it are still there. It's like the pixelation of genitalia in Japanese porn, it's so bizarre.

>Whimpering noises could be heard coming from Jason's mouth. He really didn't want to loose the last bit >of clothing he had on and really didn't want to show Freddy something.

I think showing Freddy your pecker is the least of your worries now

>Freddy grind his teeth and pulled harder but it was pointless.
>The monster wouldn't move his hands if his head had been blown…BLOWN OFF! Oops…

Don't look at me expecting answers for this. Let's just move on so this shit can end

>"Why are you hiding it from me, Jason!? If it's small I don't care I'll still f-k it!"

Words of inspiration, Ladies and Gentleman


>He pulled on Jason's hands again.Freddy was loosing him temper pretty fast so he did the other thing >he could think of. He lied on his back and put his legs behind his head.


>He lied on his back and put his legs behind his head.


>HE LIED ON HIS BACK AND PUT HIS LEGS BEHIND HIS HEAD

>HE LIED ON HIS BACK AND PUT HIS LEGS BEHIND HIS HEAD

I, I- fuck it let's move on

>In an almost feminine sounding voice he began to moan.
>"Jason…mmm…aren't you going to punish me for being like those bad teenagers you hate so much?"

>Jason's lower right eyelid twitched and pressed his hands to hip lap even harder. Freddy observed how >his actions made Jason react. His smile returned and he planed his next move. He had it. Freddy >leisurely glided his hands up and down his thighs and abdomen.

>"Jason! You don't know how badly I want to have premarital sex with you!"
WOAH, WOAH WOAH!

I can handle necrophillia and 2nd base, but premarital sex in MY Christian America? Nu-uh this is simply too much!

>Freddy watched as Jason started trembling with even move he made. And why wouldn't he? Jason had >spent his whole life hating and killing anybody that dared at like this in front of him. His anger and >bloodlust wanted to resurface but and the same time a new feeling was coursing through his body.

It's a feeling similar to when you discover that the Drive Thru Attendant at McDonalds has given you a free set of fries by mistake

>The new sensation made his blood boil but in a different way.

It made his blood simmer rather boil

>One part of him wanted to take Freddy's hands and shove them up his ass until they came out his >mouth while the other part of him wanted to shove something else in there.

I would rather it be a phallic symbol like a machete rather an actual phallus


>The new emotions tore at him and made the killer's head hurt.

My head hurts too but it's mostly because of anxiety of what's going to happen next

> Jason raised his hands to his head and he held his misshapen skull. There it was!

The $20 dollars he was looking for all along!


>Freddy pounced on Jason and ripped the bigger man's pants off. Jason was so lost in his mind-set that >he didn't notice when Freddy relived him of his garments or even when Freddy started to scream.

>"Holy s-t…WHY THE HELL WERE YOU HIDING THAT FROM ME YOU F-KING BASTARD!?"

>Freddy punched Jason in the stomach causing his to slowly faded back to reality. Jason looked at >Freddy with a 'lost child' expression. The dream demon was pissed now and Jason didn't have a clue as >to why.

Maybe if do a helicopter maybe he will like it

>"I've lived here over 3 f-king years and I've never seen you naked!"
>Freddy growled and hit Jason in the chest. "I could have made a pass at you but I didn't because I >thought you would have a body as ugly as your f-king face!"

This is what I imagine Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley's relationship was like

>Freddy turned away and started weeping and cursing. All of this confused Jason greatly. Jason watched >the other man carry on for a good while until a thought crossed his mind.

Okay maybe if I perform a Cincinnati Bowtie it'll make him stop

>(I thought people hate people with dark and blotchy skin and scares and oversized muscles and no hair and oversized body parts…I is so lost now…)

There are SO many jokes that can be made about, and every single one of them would make me look like the average /pol/tard.

>Jason grunted and let his head tilt on its own. After another five minutes of Freddy screaming and Jason >moaning they finally got started. Freddy had his leg around Jason's waist and Jason was leaning over >the small man with his hands holding him up. He certainly didn't want to crush the little pervert with all of >his weight. (A/N: Sarcasm) Freddy looked up to the man above him and said in a confident voice.

>"Remember you stick your d-k in my ass! Only that, you got that retard? Do you think you can do this or >do I have to MAN handle your rotting body back to its grave?"

>Freddy let out chain enthusiastic chuckles at Jason's expense until Jason got irritated and shoved all 9 >inches of his rock hard cock up his ass. Freddy's laughter quickly turned into screams of pain.

>"AHHHHH! F-K JASON YOU F-KING ASS HOLE!"

Well he is the one fucking your asshole after all, so



>Freddy punched Jason right in the face and held his own abdomen. "You don't just slam into the person >you're f-king on the first try you rigamortis stricken f-k-hole!" He winced in pain for moment more. "No >wonder it hurt my foot that time I kicked you."

I'm also hurting, mostly on the inside, mostly in my soul

>Jason sat there with a completely blank look, even his eyes went dull. Freddy rolled his eyes and >readjusted himself.

>"Here…try it again, but this time…DON'T BRAKE MY ASS!"

These has been morewords of true enlightenment

>Jason nodded his head and took hold of Freddy's hips. He attempted to enter the other man again with >out hurting him. Jason could feel the blood pouring out of Freddy's opening. He knew it hurt the other >man and he didn't want to cause him more pain, did he? The sensation he got when he smashed into >Freddy made his blood do that good boiling thing again. Did Jason want that more then making sure >that Freddy was happy?

>"Today Jason!" Shouted Freddy as he held his position.

before people lose the erection they don't have!

>Jason was still mad at the little bastard for all he did to him in the past. It was payback time. Jason took >hold of Freddy's hips and slammed into him just as hard as the last time. Freddy started screaming >again but Jason cupped his hand over the demon's mouth. He liked it like this. Seeing Freddy powerless >made Jason go into a state of utter bliss and there as no way it was going to end so soon. Jason >pushed into Freddy again, a little softer this time but still hard enough to get a painful reaction out of the >other man. Jason continued this for some time, slowing down just a little with each thrust. After a while >Freddy's screams of pain were replaced with moans of ecstasy. Again this all confused Jason to a great >extent. One minute Freddy is in pain and now he is happy..? It bewildered Jason to no bounds but at >same time he was starting to understand why Freddy enjoyed raping his victims, it was fun and felt >good. He continued to drive himself in and out of Freddy at the same pace for another five minutes >occasionally speeding up.

>"AHH! OH F-K JASON! Nnhh…AHH! I'll kill you for this-HARDER YOU F-KER!"

I
…



I

…
can't


…

excuse me one moment


…

*wipes mouth*

Okay. Proceed.

>Freddy couldn't make up his mind and neither could Jason. Did Jason want to hurt Freddy of make him >smile? Did Freddy want Jason to stop or hurt him more? What was going on? Was this hate, love or just >pure lust!? All they did know was that something big was going to happen.

>"OH-AH! JASON DON'T STOP I'M ABOUT TO COME YOU F-KING BASTARD!"

>Jason had no clue what Freddy meant by that sentence but he didn't want to stop either so he sped up.

>"NAHH HAAA! OH JASON! AHH!" Freddy was screaming again.

>What was happening? A new feeling…it felt very different. Jason sped up even more; he had to know >what was happening.

>"MMMAAAHHH!"

>Jason let out a shriek of his own. For the first time in years he used his voice to convey something other >then pain or fear…this was happiness. The two men let out a heavy sigh and sunk into the bed's sheets. >They laid there for while, breathing heavy and sweating.



Hold on.



I'm going to need a minute.

Okay. I think I'm done.


>The smaller man took a breath and screeched out something to the larger and much heavier man.

>"Get your fat, decomposing ass off of me you f-ker."

After that shit a few sentences ago, everything else this fanfic contains looks like fuckin Camus in comparison.

>Jason raised his head and let out a grunt. Freddy pushed on Jason and he rolled to the other side of the >bed. Freddy took a lungful of air and coughed. A few minutes later Freddy sat up and looked to Jason. >The big man didn't move even an inch. Freddy narrowed his eyes and scoffed at the other killer.

>"You really are a lethargic retard."

I say that to my friend's pet turtle every chance I get

>Jason turned his head to glance at Freddy. He let out a weak moan and moved his arm our from under >his own back. Freddy sat up and glared at the other man with great resentment in his eyes.

>"You ripped me like an animal you f-king bastard!" he then sunk back into the sheets.

well you did want him to FUCK YOU LIKE AN ANIMAAAL

I'm sorry I've lost any and all energy in my body since the Yaoiening

>"That was the best orgasm I've ever had."

It wasn't for me



>He let out a heavy sigh and pulled the covers over him.

>Jason watched as the evilest, sickest, cruelest clown of the slasher world laid there with a blanket pulled >over him and a smile on his face.

            "This is what I suppose the author intends for Freddy to seem like. Except put in a               pedophile serial killer that has serious burns and a glove with knives"      

  

>He couldn't help but smile under his mask. Jason then got up from the bed and started heading for the >door. Freddy shot up and looked to the monster in shock.

>"WHAT THE HELL! DON'T TELL ME YOU JUST F-KED ME AND NOW YOU'RE LEAVING!"

I see Jason has proved Elaine Benes right when she said all men like to leave the room after sex as if fleeing a crime scene

>Jason put his fingers to his head and signed off as he walked out the door. Freddy sat there holding the >sheets to his chest. "Man…getting discarded by a big idiot does make you feel like crap."

I need that on plaque so I could put it on my desk and promptly toss it into the trash

>It was a few days later and Jason was still gone. It was a dark and gloomy day at Camp blood as it was >now know as.

I'd imagine any place named Camp Blood has to be dark and gloomy 90% of the time



>Freddy didn't like days like this. He may have been a dark and evil killer but he preferred a bright, sunny >day as apposed to a day like this. He walked around the condemned house with his arms folded tightly >around his frame, not wanting to touch anything in that house. He made his way to the couch but >stopped short.

I thought stopping short required two people to work.

Boom that's two Seinfeld references!

>"I think I'll sit in the kitchen today."

>The dream demon walked into the degenerating kitchen.

What is the kitchen slowly freefalling into a black hole?

>The past few days Freddy had tried to clean in up a bit but didn't get very far. All he had done was clean >off an old table and washed the dishes. Not like they needed them, the dead don't need to eat. They just >need to kill right? Freddy sat on a chair in the old kitchen. It was raining today; Freddy could tell >because the roof would leak in the already drenched when it rained. Freddy laid his head on the table >and let out a bad-tempered grunt.

Ugh. Wood paneled kitchen? That is sooo last week

>"F-k…that c-t has the energy to kill nonstop but not enough to patch up his own f-king house. Grrr…"

Ahaha "It's a living!"

>Freddy buried his head in his arms and continued to grumble. Was he upset just for the sake of being >upset or was he actually suffering over what Jason did? All his life; he had been made fun of, beaten, >abused and hated by other, he was used to rejection and pain, wasn't he? He even stopped feeling it for >a long time, but now for some reason the thought of being turned down by Jason burned into his mind. >Freddy slammed his hand on the table. His skin turned red and his teeth sharpened.

>"GRRRAAAAAHHHH! That f-king bastard is going to pay for making me look like a b-h when he gets >back!"

Then his hand puffed to a massive large size and flashed neon red

>Freddy slammed his hand again and hurt his wrist. He tried to hold in the pain but ended up screaming.

>"OW F-K! Damn it to hell! …I'm gonna start wearing a glove on my left hand from know on."

>The rainfall finally stopped and so did the leaking. Freddy looked around and smiled.

>"It's about time something good happened." He folded his arms and took a breath. "3…2…1."

It was then the Voorhees home opened up revealing that it was sitting on top a hidden missile silo built during the Cold War. The missile promptly fired straight up into the atmosphere before quickly losing momentum and it began to fall back down towards Earth. Towards New Jersey. Towards Camp Crystal Lake. Until finally it landed right on top of one, Freddy Krueger who was then promptly killed in the resulting nuclear blast. The blast soon eliminated everyone in a 7 mile radius which also included everyone involved in the fanfiction.

>The rain started up again harder this time. Freddy sighed and put his hands behind his head.

>"Knew it…stupid cartoony logic." He heaved another sigh and lowered his head. "Why am I so upset >over this? I mean hell I got to f-k and I don't have to even talk to Jason again if I don't want to…why the >f-k am I so miserable."Then a thought that made his face go red crossed his mind.

>"Do I miss being in love with someone?"

Oh God.








Hold on one moment

>The thought stabbed at him like his claws in a child's flesh. He hadn't felt love since the day his >daughter Kathryn was taken away from him. All he wanted was revenge and to have fun doing it. >Freddy shook his head and punched himself in the face.

This fanfic makes me miss watching Freddy's Dead. I don't even know how that's possible.


>Ow…that was stupid…I would never fall in love with that ugly f-king mama's boy. Hah, I don't even think >that retarded teenaged fan-girls would think of that! AHAHAH!"The dream demon laughed for almost >twenty minutes at the thought of some teenaged girl somewhere, writing a love story about him and >Jason. Once the idea had faded from his mind he sunk back into his chair with a smile on his face

Wait.

*feels the top of head*

Yup I just ripped off half of my hair in a fit rage.

I'm Just Making sure. Proceed almighty crapterpiece

>The dream demon laughed for almost twenty minutes at the thought of some teenaged girl somewhere, >writing a love story about him and Jason. Once the idea had faded from his mind he sunk back into his >chair with a smile on his face.
>"Besides…that dumb dog is too brainless to fall in love." Freddy nodded to himself and leaned back in >his chair.

If Jason Voorhees walks through that door and they recreate the "I'm not a smart man" scene from Forrest Gump I will lose my shit

>All of a sudden Jason smashed through the wall by the door. Freddy fell back with a scream.

>"AHH! WHAT THE HELL!?"

It turned out it was not Jason, but it was in fact Smashmouth performing their hit song "SomeBODY once told me (the world was macaroni)"

>Jason's eyes were wide and bloodshot. In one hand he had a bouquet of yellow flowers and in the other >a paper heart with the words "I luv u!" written in blood. Freddy's face turned bright red and he tried to >stand up.

This is how I imagine Gary Busey's marriage proposals are

>"Jason…wh-what's with the flowers and…is that human blood?"

>Jason nodded his head and shoved the items into Freddy's arms. Freddy looked up at the undead man >with a confused look. Jason was soaked to the bone and covered in blood and chains.

This is surprisingly not my fetish

>Freddy took a step back to see that the bigger man had his machete stuck through his leg and his head >was bleeding.

What YOU don'y fall on your machete every time?

>"God damn…what happened to you? Did you get these flowers from some PMS stricken women's >wedding?"

That is some how the least offensive and most attractive image this fanfiction has conjured up

>Jason shook his head and pulled a bloody receipt out of his coat pocket. Freddy looked at it then back >to Jason.

I guess he just walked into the Flower Shop Plus Human Organs store! I guess every state in the union has one of those except California

>"Wow, you actually bought flowers and a bloody heart and they still did this to you?"

>Jason nodded and pulled the machete out of his leg.

Just a flesh wound

>A smirk creeped onto Freddy's face and he set the >flowers on the table. Jason tilted his head as the >strange little man came closer to him. Freddy put his hands around Jason's broad waist and smiled at >him.

>"I think that the good dog deserves a treat."
NO NO NO-

>End.


Oh thank god!



DEAR. FUCKIN. GOD

I started this in January and it's taken this long to complete this. Holy. Fuckin. Shit. My mind is bleeding right now. I need a nice shower after this. I can't think properly anymore. Fuck this Earth for allowing such a thing to exist. I don't know what I'm doing next, but I know it can't be as painful as this. Holy Mother of God on a pogo stick.