A New Member: A Generic Title for a Generic Fanfiction

Twilight, the first entry in a four part series, was published in 2005. The series was adapted into film series in 2008 which has made over 3.3 billion dollars in ticket sales. The series has been met with mixed reception. Its detractors criticize the series for its poor writing, promotion and normalization of abusive relationships as well as stalking, and an apparent anti-abortion message. However, it has received monumental praise from its core demographic of teenage girls, who of course love to write fanfiction. This will provide more than enough fodder for this blog to stay nice and cozy during a long and cruel winter. This brief, little tale is just one of the over 217,000 entries listed on FanFiction.net, which we will certainly be revisiting after this one.



A New Member

by

JustShutUp

Original Story Link



Chapter 1

>Need to know:

How to set up a bank account, file your own taxes-

Oh, wait this is a Twilight Fanfiction ™ neeeeevermind

>- means time lapse

>Name: Raine

>Age: 16

This is extremely useful information if you want to know if you should immediately close the window and move on to bigger and better things. Such as reading book or eating play dough.

>"WAKE UP!" Yelled your mom, Helena. "You're late!"

For your starring role in a shitty fanfiction!

>"WHAT?" You think as you jump off your bed. 

and onto the floor, and firmly face planting into a strategically located cream pie

>You glance at the digital clock and groan. It's 7:30 AM.

You forgot that it's Daylight Savings, so it's technically 8:30 Am, and it's finals week

>You brush your teeth, get dressed,…etc.

Ya know, hide a whisky bottle in the boot etc.

>"Are you sure you want to wear that?" Helena asks.

I want to wear my bondage gear and clown make up on campus, mother!!

>"What's wrong with it?" You ask, glancing down. You were wearing your favorite >shirt, a black H.I.M. band tee and your black "destroyed" jeans. 

I thought I was wearing my Velvet Underground band tee and my blue "demolished" jeans. Oh well

>You thought you looked okay.

"Thought" is the key word in this sentence.

>"Well it's just-never mind. Are you ready?"

No, I haven't finished the last 200 pages of my sparklypire book, moooother!

>"Whatever. Helena, this town is so small that there isn't even an airport! 

The town doesn't even has a working sewage system, mooother!

>I bet you I could walk through the entire town in just one day!"

Before the townspeople try and sacrifice us for killing their crops, moooother!

>"It would still take you a day, dear." Says Helena.

and only an hour to sacrifice us to the Sun god, mooother!

>"Yeah, let's go." You say, grabbing a pop tart.

This will fill my desire for bland, pasty things for the moment

>"Right behind ya babe." She answers.

It's your turn to kick start the Model A

>"Are you sure this is the school?" You ask, staring at the buildings.

What? you expect something better than balsa wood and Elmer's glue foundations?

>"Yeah, at least that's what the officials told me." Said Helena. 

The official was a man in a red and green striped with a brown fedora

>"Do you want me to come in with you?"

>"No Helena, it's okay." You say. 

I'll contract the Bubonic Plague by myself, mooooother!

>It's bad enough being a kid but imagine having your mom there!

Gah! How dare your parents try to be helpful!

>Your mom drops you off at the parking lot. 

Specifically, the abandoned Taco Bell parking lot across the street

>You receive a lot of stares, probably because your mom was driving a >Mercedes-Benz. 

Mostly because it was a Mercedes-Benz w31 still with the Nazi insignia on it

>You guys weren't rich, jus middle class that saved money; a Mercedes->Benz did look out of place amidst all the pickup trucks. 

the little Benz was out of place when it was surrounded by Chevrolet Silverado'a

>There was a BMW though.

Although, It was a half functioning BMW 3/15

>Then, you guess, you received a lot of stares for your clothes. 

Everybody was in fact staring at the half eaten pop tart that was stuck in her hair

>Almost no one was wearing "destroyed" jeans; absolutely no one had band tees or short >haircuts. 

Because this is a mennonite school, silly

>You see a movement in the corner of your eye and you see a guy staring at you. 

That's when you prepare your mace, and not just any mace.

>You turn to look at him completely when you notice that he's, well, HOT! He's tall, at >least 6'2'' and has brown hair. 

Bruce Spence?

>You can't see his eyes, but you have a feeling that they're hazel. There's something >about him though, familiar, but you can't place your finger on.

It is most definitely Bruce Spence

>You notice that there are quite a few people around him. Three girls and three guys.

Obviously the remnants of the settlers from the Road Warrior

>The guys are all handsome, and one of them is very muscular. 

Due to the lack of information I will assume it's Andre the Giant

>The girls are all extremely pretty, and one, breathtaking beautiful. She looked cold, >almost icy, as in untouchable though. 

I'll also assume that it's Suzanna Hamilton as Julia in 1984

>The other two looked friendly, one more than the other, because, well, she looked the >most normal. 

I'll also assume that they're Tegan and Sara

>You had a suspicion about them, but you weren't gonna say anything. Yet.

They might be, possibly, kinda, probably be a little bit of the gay persuasion

>Oh well. Now where's that main office? You think. You wander to the nearest building >and stick your head in. 

It turns out it's actually the Grounds Keeper's living quarters

>There is a lady sitting behind a desk.

With a gun in her hand

>"May I help you?" She asks.

If you don't answer me right now I WILL open a cup o' whoopass on you

>"Uh, yeah. Is this the main office?" You ask.

No, this is the broom closet, of course it's the main office!

>"Yee sweetie. Do you need help?"

I'm an angsty teenage girl who needs a pale vampire boyfriend, stat!

>"Yeah, um, I'm new and I need to pick up my schedule." You say, walking in.

>"Name?"

Average Twilight Fanfiction protagonist #37

>"Raine Conner."

Close enough

>"So why are you here?" Asks the receptionist.

WHAT'S YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER, WHAT'S YOUR POLITICAL AFFILIATION!

>"Why'd you wanna know?" You ask her. It seemed to you that she was too nosy.

>"Just to pass the time honey." Said the lady, but you don't believe her. 

I get all up in people's kool aid all the time!

>She's weird you decide. Living in New York City had taught you that giving away too >much information was harmful, and sometimes outright dangerous.

Especially ever since Michael Bloomberg enacted those strict sugar laws, you could be publicly caned for smuggling a little sugar packet

>"Here's your schedule. Have your teachers sign it and bring it back to me at the end of >the day." She said, handing you your schedule.

I left my number on the back if you want some fun!

>You leave the office and look for A building where you had reading first. 

It's not hard to find A building because you were just in A building!

>You finally locate it, all the way in the back. 

Because it's soooo difficult to find A building unless you live in a tundra or another uninhabited wasteland!

>You walk in. You know you're early because there are only 2 students in the classroom. 

The rest of the class fled as they knew ahead of the time that they were going to be in a Twilight Fanfiction

>You recognize them as the boy who was staring at you and one of the other guys, this >one with chestnut hair and golden eyes, 

This is when you wonder why one of your fellow students went Super Saiyan

>You look around for the teacher and spot him behind his desk. He's a short balding guy >with horn-rim glasses behind a newspaper.

Henry Kissinger's career has reached a point where he has to take a minor role in a Twilight Fanfiction. Good riddance.

>You walk up to him but he ignores you. You clear your throat. He still ignores you. >Finally you tap him and say, "EXCUSE ME!" 

What, what you want?! I'm trying to recall one of my meetings with Henry Cabot Lodge Jr.!

>By this time, the class is full and everyone stares at you. You ignore them.

Just like the average protagonist of a Twilight Fanfiction

>"Yes?" He asks, peering up at you. You just hand him his schedule and point at the part >that says 'teacher's signature.'

You must be patient little girl as a prepare you all for a realistic approach to world affairs!

>"Oh, you're new? Well welcome to Small High School. Nice to meet you, uh…" Says the >teacher, drifting off.

Kissinger begins to recall his long, late nights with Nixon during the unraveling of the Watergate incident

>"Raine." You supply.

But I though Jesus supplied the rain?

>"Uh, yes, Raine. I'm Mr. Berth and this is Reading A. Here's the work you have to do >this semester." He says, handing you a bunch of papers.

Now you have to finish an entire semesters work of work in a day

> "There's an empty seat in the back."

Oh never mind there's a skeleton in the seat and cobwebs covering

>You walk to the seat, conscious of all the stares you were getting.
>Can't these people just mind your own business?You can't help but think.

One pop tart in the hair, i'm tellin ya, can ruin your life

>You get to your seat and sit down. You're in the second to last row. The guy who was >staring at you in the parking lot is the one who sits behind you. 

Just use your medieval mace on him if you catch him being an idiot

>Life's so unfair, You think. For the rest of the period, and the rest of the day, you just >spend your time thinking. 

Why do people just like do stuff?

>Last period, finally! 

Woo! Only two classes today!

>You glance down at your schedule and smile. You have gym.
>You love gym, as in seriously love it.

You love the idea of playing basketball for thirty minutes with a bunch of hooligans, fine by me.


>You loved playing sports, especially soccer, hockey and dodge ball The last one is the >most fun.

Raine was a sadistic child growing up

>You walk into your gymnasium and see a bunch of girls clustered around each other >and some guys sitting on the bleachers. You walk up to the gym teacher and introduced >yourself. 

Hey bitch, I’m Ebony Dark’ness Dem- Oops wrong story

>The lady tells you that you will receive your uniform in a week.

The bastards!

>You went over and stood by some girls. You could here them whispering and glancing >at you. 

They clearly want your sexual organs. Most likely inside of them.

>Immature, you think. Finally one of them, with long brown hair, comes up to you. She's >also the same one from morning, the one that looked the most friendly.

She shall live.

>"Are you new? You know what, never mind. They did the same thing to me when I was >new." She sys, nudging her head towards the girls.

They also dumped pigs blood on me.

>"Was?" You ask.
waaaaah?
wusssss

>"Yeah, I came here from Phoenix last year. Where're you from?" She says, fast.

I come from the darkness where light dares not penetrate.

>"NYC." You say.

Same thing.

>"Cool. I've never been there, but I heard that everyone there is in gangs." She confides >to you.

Because the name Raine Conner screams organized crime.

>You laugh at this. "Not everyone is in gangs. There's the Italian mafia, Russian mafia, >…etc. "

The Nepalese Mafia, the Luxembourgen Mafia, ya know!

>She laughs too. "Oh wait, I forgot to introduce myself. 
>Name's Isabella but call me Bella. 

My name's Raine, but uh, call me Raine

>I came here because I wanted to live with Charlie, my dad."

I'm sorry, don't you mean, Mustache Dad?

>You smile. "My name's Raine. Call me Raine and nothing else but Raine. I'm just here."

I'M RAINE GOD DAMN IT. RAAAAAAAAINE!!!

>Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Two times the intensity, two times the passion, two times the mediocrity!

>You and Bella talk for a long time, almost the whole period. You were surprised that >Bella hated gym. 

You cursed the very name Bella to the very last day on planet Earth for daring to hold  a different opinion than yours.

>She walked with you outside, and outside you met her boyfriend Edward. He was >okay, mostly quiet.

That's how most people describe their neighbor after finding out he had been digging up and graveyards and made himself a woman suit.


>You were a little embarrassed because the love birds kept on exchanging glances >that made you uncomfortable.

Don't you just hate it when love birds give you the death glare?

>"Oh excuse me, I have to call my mom." You say to the love birds.

Raine Conner is! Dr. Doolittle

>"Oh, sorry." Said Bella, looking guilty.

How dare we have human emotions around you! Or rather lack of emotions…

>"It's okay. I wish my ex and me would've had the same connection as you guys >have." You say, smiling.

But in reality you're dead internally

>Then before she could say anything, you take out your cell and call your mom.

>"¿Hola?" Said Helena. One of her best friends was Spanish and had taught her the >language. She'd then passed it on to you.

Her Mom is Peggy Hill?

>"Hey, it's me. I just got out. When're you gonna come pick me up?" You said, half in >Spanish, half in English, aware that Edward and Bella were looking at you curiously.

Es siempre bizarre watching a person suddenly tiene a crisis nerviosa

>"Oh baby, I'm sorry, I get off at 5. Sweetie, can you get someone to drop you off?"

I'm sure that guy that sits behind you in Mr. Kissinger's class would happily give you a ride!

>"I don't know Helena. I mean, dude, I don't even know where the house is!" You say >panicking.

I forgot my name? Is it Sycamore Paine? No, not silly enough!

>"Is everything okay?" Asks Bella looking concerned.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M OKAY!

>"Yeah, it's just that Helena gets off at 5 and I have to get a ride to my house."

God forbid you spend some time outside the house!

>You say, try in got shrug it off but in your panic, your New Yorkan accent stood out >more than normal, so 'my' came out sounding like 'mah' and house sounded like >'hawse.'

Don't worry we all have our Joe Pesci moments

>"Well, you know, we could drop you off." Said Edward.

>"No it's o-" You started to say but Helena cuts you off.

>"Honey did someone just offer you a ride? Go for it!"

Bonus point if they're offering candy!

>"But m-" You started to say again, but Bella cut you off.

>"Great! What's the address? I drive!"

I verb!

>"No-" You started again, but your mom cut you off by rattling off the address.

>"Great." Said Edward, "Let's go. Oh and Bella, I drive."

Hey! I verb around here!


This was short, but extremely painful. However, this is nowhere near as painful as the one I'm reviewing next. The words that I can properly describe the next fanfiction is "living necrophilia"